Hook(er) Up - A Clexa Fic

Chapter 52- Don't Cry

Tw: mentions of abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She couldn't decide whether Lexa asking to be her girlfriend was a good or bad thing. Because, of course, her whole heart swelled at the fact that despite all that she told her, Lexa still wanted to be with her. Of course, 'girlfriend' rang a melodious tune in her ears. Of course, Lexa once again comforted her- reminded her that she cared for her enough to be there no matter what.

But that same Lexa heard her warning and chose to ignore it. Because she didn't understand what she meant by 'ruin her life'. And her choice to deal with Finn, because of her, didn't feel any better.

If anything, worse.

Because it'd be her fault that Lexa stayed. It'd be her fault if she got hurt.

... And if Finn planned to hurt Lexa at all how he hurt her in the past...

A wave of cold shudders vibrated through her bones.

She wanted Lexa. She really wanted Lexa. And it was selfish. It was so selfish to let that desire allow her to put her in harm's way. It was so selfish to choose her own comfort over Lexa's safety like that. And she knew it. She knew it. She knew how horrible things could get. She knew this relationship could be setting them both to incredible mental damage. She knew Finn would hurt her. She didn't know how, but that only made it worse. Because he would probably do the worst.

She knew it, and she still said yes.

What was wrong with her?

The whole point was that she didn't want Lexa to get hurt. She wanted her to be safe more than anything. But why was having her here in her arms enough to make her so selfish? Make her think of only herself?

'Fuck.'

Lexa just felt so... safe.

She made her feel okay.

'Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.'

That wasn't the point. It wasn't true. Having her here was just putting both of them in danger. She shouldn't be close to her. She shouldn't let her stay so close to her. She didn't want to hurt her.

She didn't want to hurt her.

...

Didn't want her to think it was okay to stop talking to friends. To think it was okay to rely on one person- ignoring every horrible thing about them because 'they were meant to be' and 'it wasn't them'. To think it was okay to lose trust in everyone else.

To not reach out. To think that her self-worth relied on whether they came back home happy or taking it out on her. To think that getting hit was normal. To think it was okay not to say anything. To cover up the bruised just like he told her to because 'it didn't mean anything.' Because 'he was sorry'. To think that she was overreacting. To 'stop crying'. That her grades were just worse because she didn't study enough- that that was where her stress was coming from. That it wasn't his problem to deal with her dad. That it was selfish to cry. Because he never cried. Because he never complained about his life to her.

That 'he loved her' because 'look at all the presents I gave you'. That 'she didn't appreciate him enough'. That she 'focused too much time on Madi' and 'always neglected him'. That 'she wasn't even your kid'. 'What kind of a horrible, emotionless doctor would you be if you don't even care about your boyfriend'. 'You don't love me'. 'Why would you tell your mom that?!'. That 'she doesn't understand'. That her friends wouldn't understand.

Tears started rolling down her cheeks.

She tried to stay composed. Be happy. Try to think in a more optimistic light. But she couldn't.

She couldn't.

...

"... Clarke?"

'Oh no. She noticed. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.'

" Clarke, are you okay?"

'Stop. You've already cried enough.' She choked back the tears trying to tear from her eyes.

"Hey, Clarke it's-" Lexa's voice was cut off by a high-pitched squeal of a kettle. "Shit. Let me go get some tea for you, and then I'm right here for you, okay?"

She tried to say no. That it was okay. But nothing dared to escape her mouth.

...

...

She didn't stop crying.

She tried. She tried really hard. But her body wouldn't let her stop reliving everything.

And it only made her feel worse.

Because she told Lexa how she knew it was awful to talk about exes to your date- girlfriend. And then she did it. And now she's crying over it. Because she couldn't stop thinking about it. Because she shouldn't have let Lexa near her. Because it was going to end badly. Because she still fucking did it because her selfish ass loved the feeling of her holding her.

Because she said she didn't care if she got hurt. But she was scared.

"Hey... Clarke," She felt palms hold her face steady, wiping rouge tears off her cheeks, "just breathe for me for a second okay? Just breathe."

Somehow hearing that only made her feel worse. Like she had to be treated like a child. As if she couldn't control herself. Which only made her choke on her breaths more. Because she couldn't stop crying. Why couldn't she stop crying?

"It's okay. I promise it's okay." Lexa coed, looking at her with round, loving eyes. "You can cry to me. Cry as much as you need. All I ask is to breathe deep breaths for me, okay? I don't want you to faint, okay?"

'Fuck. This was embarrassing.'

"C'mon, let's sit down on the couch instead." Lexa rubbed circles against her back.

...

She listened. Tried her best to breathe. To stop herself. To stop thinking about it. To stop thinking about him.

She wanted to tell her. Tell her that she wasn't just crying for the hell of it. That there was a reason. That it was scary. But any words she thought of didn't express the fear. Just sounded stupid. She sounded stupid. For worrying.

So she just tried to breathe.

To calm herself, somehow.

Stop crying so she could finally catch her breath and speak. So she could actually think straight.

So the stinging in her eyes would just stop.

Her eyes were so tired...

So tired....

...

...

"Mmm" Every part of her felt so calm.

Her heartbeat was steady, her body droopy and comfy. Her eyes no longer stung, only too tired to open again.

Every part of her was just... relaxed.

And so warm and cozy. Almost till where felt fuzzy inside.

And the air was... warm. It smelled good. It smelled really good. Like the slightest smell of lavender. It smelled like... Lexa.

'Shit.' Her eyes shot open.

It was Lexa.

It was Lexa, just wrapping her arms around her laying body with her nose nuzzled against her head, sleeping.

Lexa, who held her till she fell asleep. Who let her fall asleep on her arm.

And she felt so comfy. So warm and soft. And safe.