Hook(er) Up - A Clexa Fic

Chapter 61- A Lot.

She didn't utter a single word the whole day. Not a 'hello', not a 'sorry', not a 'come in', not a 'yes' or a 'no'. Nothing. 

And everyone in the office knew to avoid her. Because if Lexa showed up late to work, it wasn't a good day.

She canceled all of her meetings for that day. Spent it in her office, staring at a blank screen, and after her eyes got tired of that, staring at a blank wall. Because it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair and she should've expected this but she didn't.

And maybe it was a bad idea to lie. It was a horrible idea, but it was the first thing that came to her head. Because she knew that if it was her in Madi's position she wouldn't be able to defend herself or make anything up without opening fresh wounds. Hell, her's were old and yet she still struggled to think about her parents. She had so much time to live and accept it as it was, and yet she never grew the strength to visit their graves.

Lexa stared at the piles of pages and folders surrounding her.

'Never had the chance to live.' This, this was her life. Pushing problems away and focusing on work. Focusing on what looked like she had her life together. What looked like she had everything together to anyone on the outside.

'But, fuck, it's been crumbling. It always has, hasn't it?' She swallowed the dryness clinging to her throat. 'It's always been crumbling.' She watched the old paint on the walls, slowly chipping where it was nailed the most.

'I never got it together. Never had anything figured out, huh?' Lexa's mind ran questions on repeat, too tired to process the first time, too empty to find them worth crying over.

Never let herself register that she was alone. Never let her parents go. Never did anything but try to make up for it, as if she could change the past. Never lived. Never gave herself the chance to live. Never took care of herself. Just always hoped that someday, somehow, her parents would come back and take care of that little child. The one deep inside, that never had the chance to grow. Because she couldn't ever even fully understand what she was missing.

All of this. All of this was just lying to herself. Telling herself she was happy. Telling herself that she had it all.

And the one person who seemed to see through it all- seemed to have any hope in her, knew all of her problems inside out, still gave up on her. She knew her the most, of course, she knew all along that she was a lost cause. Of course, she was a lost cause. Why the hell would she have ever thought anything else? Why was she foolish enough to think there was an escape from the hole she dug herself into?

Of course, she was a lost cause. 

Clarke... Clarke knew it the whole time. She had hope, but she knew. 

Did everyone know?

Did they always know?

Was it that obvious?

'Irresponsible.'

'Can't take care of yourself.'

... She knew.

She knew.

Of course, she knew. 

Faking never did anything. She was always stuck as square one at the end, wasn't she?

'Fuck.' Why would she ever let herself do that? Why would she ever let Clarke let go of her? Let her give up? When she was the one who reminded her to live?

'Fuck.' She thought of Madi. 'Never. Never. Never let anyone else go through this. Never let anyone let themselves get this broken. This messed up.'