Hook(er) Up - A Clexa Fic

Chapter 60- She Loves You.

The morning was a haze. The rest of the day, a blur. Just a lot of confusion, guilt, betrayal, and sorrow. Each emotion blended with another till where she couldn't even tell what she was feeling when.

She tried to speak with Madi the night before- tried to apologize for yelling- but her door remained locked. Who would blame her after getting scolded for no reason? But it didn't help the burning in her chest.

So she just apologized through the door. Went to bed with an empty feeling, hoping she could sleep it away.

And woke up feeling just the same, to an empty house and an obnoxious alarm reminding her of work.

'Am I a bad mom?'

She sat in silence her whole trip to work.

'Why would I immediately blame Madi if she's never been bad before? What does that mean? Why would I suddenly have such little faith in her?'

She didn't speak much in the hospital, only when she had to.

'Am I overprotective? Overbearing? Does she hate me? Has she always hated me? Is that why she doesn't want to talk to me? Why she doesn't come to me when she needs anything? Never comes to me for help?'

Her lunch break was spent alone. For the first time in a while.

'Am I too much? Am I unreliable? Untrustworthy? Irresponsible? Blind?'

Each hospital room started to blend with the others. Everything looked alike. Everything was the same. The same loop. The same pattern.

'Am I irresponsible for letting Lexa into my life? Into her life? Is she mad at me for yelling or does she not like Lexa? Have I been spending too much time with Lexa? That she'd be mad at me for it? That I'd be dumb enough to trust Lexa? Think I know her?'

The distant beepings of heart rate monitors rung in her ears, getting stuck in her ribcage. 

'Did I ever know her?'

She stared at a scribbled clipboard, the ringing of beeps getting louder and louder.

'Why would she ever do that? Lexa was always so understanding- attentive. None of that made sense. None of yesterday made sense. Why would she ever do that? I thought she was responsible. She's nothing like Finn. Is she? Am I blind? Am I blind? Am I blind?'

Flatline. The beeping stopped. Flatline. Flatline. Flatline.

"Doctor! Ma'am! Doctor!"

FLATLINE!

'Wake up!'

"I'm coming!"

...

A blur.

...

An empty blur.

...

She was tired. God, she was tired.

...

Mask off. Gloves off. Apron off. Coat on. Hat on.

'What did it all mean? Was it all a lie? Was it my fault? How do I make it up to Madi? What is she even upset about? Is it me? Is it Lexa? Is she upset about Lexa? ... Am I upset about Lexa?'

She sat waiting for the bus.

'I can make her favorite meal and we can chat over dinner. It'll be just like old times. Just the two of us.'

The bus arrived.

'What if she doesn't want to talk? Am I being too needy again? Too annoying? Does she want space? Of course, she wants space. Don't be a fool, Clarke.'