Hook(er) Up - A Clexa Fic

Chapter 64- It had to be

"... So, what are we?"

"I don't know... I just- I need some time. Some time to just- I don't know."

"Okay."

...

She played the memory in her head over and over, re-remembering every single tiny detail. Each silent breath. Each awkward glance. The way Lexa's eyes averted her own.

She broke them. She broke her.

...

It had been weeks since they last spoke. Three weeks. Three weeks and the last words between them were that. Three weeks since she rushed into Lexa's office, a panicked mess, thinking Lexa was going to hate her, only to fall in the arms of an angel.

Three weeks since that same angel asked for space. Since she walked back home the same cold night, alone. Better, but alone. Still sitting with nothing but guilt and shame for never being good enough to her.

...

And yet Lexa was still letting her have a second chance.

She wasn't going to ruin it.

She couldn't ruin it. It had to be perfect. It had to be.

...

She stared at the texts on her phone.

No, no, the date's on me.

Where do you want to go?

Anywhere is fine, Clarke.

She knew it wasn't the case. She knew Lexa wasn't purposely being cold. But just seeing her name typed up by Lexa made her feel so distant. Because it was forced. Because there wasn't an option of 'baby' or 'babe' or anything like that anymore, not that Lexa was ever the type to text babe, but simply having the option was so different. They were something. She meant something. They were close. They were together.

But now she was just 'Clarke'. Not like she didn't deserve it, but it hurt.

Which is why this had to be perfect.

She had to prove herself. She- she had to make it right. She had to be better.

It had to be something that wasn't too distracting, too busy. It couldn't be too stressful. A restaurant? No. Too many eyes watching them. It was too up-front. What about a café? Then that seemed like she didn't care enough, that this was just a 'whatever' to her. Boardwalk? They did that already. It would be like she's just trying to copy their first date. This wasn't anything like their first date.

This had to be special. It had to be them. It had to be just them. It had to be peaceful. It had to be something with room to talk, to apologize, to make up for everything. Somewhere where they weren't just trapped. Where they wouldn't be trapped in with all the mistakes, where they can move on. It had to be outside. But it was getting a bit chilly, with the last days of fall nearing.

But that did mean the tree's outside were colorful- well the one's that still had leaves. Upstate had a lot more tree's, a bunch more evergreens to make up for some of the falling leaves too. What if they went hiking? All the hiking paths would be covered with oranges and reds... which, was actually more pretty than a bother, almost romantic. Almost. Which was perfect.

... If Lexa wouldn't mind taking the car.

And if she could survive the silence that would be the car ride.

This was going to be a mess.

Clarke shook her head. No. It was going to be worth it. It had to be worth it. The open space and gorgeous colors were going to make up for it. The space to breath and talk and be just them was going to make up for it.

...

Do you mind if we take your car?

If not, I totally get it, I don't want to force you or anything.

Three dots danced on her screen as she watched nervously.

Sure, that's fine.

Another moment before a second reply showed on her screen

Where to?

...

'Okay. Clarke, it's okay. This is going to be okay. It's going to be perfect. Don't stress out. It's going to be fine. It has to be perfect.'

Upstate

She quickly added a clarification.

Hiking, I mean.

...

It took a moment before she got a response.

Oh.
Um, okay

...

'Oh, God.'

Why did she respond like that?

Why the 'Um'?

Did she hate hiking? No, Lexa loved walks.

Was it a bad idea? Why?

Did she just not want to go? Probably. She couldn't blame her. She'd hate herself too if she had to listen to herself yelling at her and breaking up with herself for the dumbest reason after being an absolutely amazing person. She'd hate herself if she told herself those things too.

Clarke bit her lip.

'It's okay. It was going to be okay.' She lied to herself.

It had to be.