Hook(er) Up - A Clexa Fic

Chapter 63- You're Everything

A slam of a door.

It was so loud and sudden, she sprung up from her seat in fear, half-conscious of anything going on around her.

'Fuck, it was so dark.' She could barely see. She barely even remembered falling asleep on her desk after-

Blaring lights stung her eyes as the whole room illuminated. She squinted through the pain, quickly grabbing anything around her as a weapon in case she was being attacked. 'What was-'

"Clarke?" She stared as a blonde figure bolted towards her. She remained completely unresponsive as the girl jumped towards her knees, nearly making her fall over. "Clarke- what are you doing here- are you okay?"

Something must've gone horribly wrong if the girl that just broke up with her was rushing towards her- at her office- in the middle of the night.

... Was it Finn?

Oh no, she must've fucked up so bad to get him roped into this- Oh God. 'What could've-'

"Fuck, Lex, I'm so sorry!"

She felt wet spots form down her pants.

"You're- what? What are you-"

She's sorry? Why would she be apologizing?

"I'm so sorry. I know you're mad and I'm not asking you to forgive me, but I'm so sorry!" Clarke sobbed in her lap.

'What?'

She was so confused. What happened? Why was Clarke apologizing? She was crying. Why was she crying? She shouldn't be crying. She should be mad.

She was crying.

Clarke was crying?

"What-" Lexa shook her head. "Clarke, why are you crying?" She instinctively reached her hand out to hold the girl, hesitating right before contact, debating if she was even allowed to hold her anymore.

"I'm so sorry! It's all my fault! Madi told me everything- I- I-"

'What? What did she mean it was all her fault?'

Clarke didn't do anything. She was the one that lied. She was the one who was irresponsible and didn't tell Clarke immediately when she found Madi. She was the one that worried her. She was the problem. She was the one making a mess in everyone's life. She was the one that probably guilted and pressured Madi into confessing. She was the problem.

"Clarke, what are you talking about?"

"I shouldn't have yelled! I shouldn't have blamed you! I'm so dumb! I'm so dumb! I'm so sorry, I'm so dumb!"

'What?' Clarke didn't do anything but defend Madi and admit the truth. Why would she be blaming herself so much? How dare she blame herself so much? For Lexa's problems?

And why was she crying on her knees? Everything about this was wrong. Clarke should not be begging for mercy. She should be begging to stay away. To not have her mess up her life again. To not cause unnecessary stress in her life anymore. She should be the one crying at Clarke's knees begging for forgiveness. Everything about this was so wrong.

Lexa shook her head in confusion, bringing herself to the present moment. She slid herself off her chair to join Clarke on the ground, bringing her to sit down. "Clarke, what are you- okay, firstly, is Madi okay?"

More sobs came from the girl. "God, you're so perfect- I-" She furiously wiped at her cheeks, looking back at Lexa. "Yeah, she's okay. Thanks to you."

Lexa let out a sigh of relief. At least she didn't fuck up with Madi too.

"Okay. Second," she put her hand on top of Clarke's, "Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong. It's fine, Clarke. "

"No! I got upset with you for no reason! I broke up with you for nothing! Because I'm an ass and you were just being you and always fucking caring so much about everyone else when I was just being dumb and blind!"

"I lied to you."

"I hurt you! You lied to me to protect Madi! I was just being mean because I'm awful and took it out on you!!"

"No... it's- it's true. I'm really..." She looked down in guilt, her lungs deflating. "You deserve better."

God, it hurt to say. It hurt so much because it didn't change how much she wanted Clarke. She just didn't deserve her.

"No, it's not!"

"Clarke... You're right. I'm not responsible. I don't- I just mess everything up." She bit back the tears.

Clarke watched her in disbelief and worry, with her mouth agape. "Babe-" She corrected herself, "Lexa. Lexa, that's not true. Don't listen to what I said then, it's not true." She neared Lexa, holding her hand against her lips, trying not to cry. "Oh God, why did I hurt you so much."

Lexa only looked away, ashamed.

"Lexa, please. You got to know that's not true. You can hate me. You can never want to talk to me again because I was such an ass, but please don't listen to anything I said yesterday." Her head fell against Lexa's shoulder as more tears poured out of her eyes. "Please... You're everything. You're everything and I fucked up. Don't listen to the dumb shit I say- please... Please, just let me make up for it."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"You don't. You don't. You don't, you don't, you don't. And I'm so awful for ever making it seem like you ever did."

"... I did. I- I used you. I used you to rant about all of my problems instead of getting a therapist. I used you for sex when I didn't want to think about anything. And then I started liking you because we actually started to get to know each other somehow and I avoided you like the plague instead of dealing with my feelings. Then I had a fucking stroke and you had to save me. And then I showed up at your house after- how many months?- disturbed whatever new peace you had and pried myself back into your life. Made you think I was worth... anything. Made you think I was... anyone... when I'm- I'm not anyone" She felt the tears pouring down her face the further she let herself fall into her rabbit hole. "I haven't lived. I- I haven't been anyone until you... you-"

Arms wrapped around her and squeezed her tight, letting her fall against the weight of the perfect angel in front of her. Letting her melt into her embrace.

"You weren't using me. You paid me. And you were the nicest person ever since the beginning. I literally let you do anything and you were too respectful of me. You reminded me that good people exist. You listened to all of my shit. You listened when I warned you I was a mess and you decided to stay. You deal with all of my panic attacks. With Finn. You took care of me. You made me feel safe. You make me feel safe. You took care of my Madi when I was too dumb to know what was wrong. You dealt with your past- you dealt with me- just to make sure she was okay. You're better at being a mom than I am. You're everything, Lexa. You're everything."

...

She couldn't stop herself from hugging back.