C o l e
My body felt so heavy. After finally getting that jackass to leave, I knocked out for who knows how long. It's currently the afternoon and I cursed in my head as I was meant to wake up early and get the hell out of here.
My mind flew back to last night's conversation Eros and I had. I'm still trying to process his offer in my mind. Now don't get it wrong, I'm just processing, not considering.
To betray my family...it was something I had never thought of before. If I were to ever had been kidnapped and tortured for information, they'd never get it. I would have rather died instead of giving in and I didn't know if it was because I was loyal or because I wanted to die.
It was common mafia law that betrayal meant death, for all of those involved. I guess you could say that I believe having someone kill me is better than betraying my family but taking a moment to look back on it, I remember Eros' words from last night.
"What are you so ready to die for?"
I don't know.
For a life that has never been mine, I guess when you really think about it, ending it feels careless when there was an opportunity to take control of it. I'm sure most in my position would jump at Eros' offer, thinking it as a way out of an undesirable position but I couldn't think of it that way.
I didn't want to belong to anyone. I wanted to be free. I can't stand the violence and the killing that comes with being in the mafia but it's become such a normal part of my life that I can do it with no regrets and I hate it. This hate was a suffocating one, I can never express it because of the consequences that'd follow so I've always just let it sit and boil, never letting the lid off.
And I knew that someday, it was going to overflow.
Letting out a breath, I decided it was time to go out and get some fresh air, maybe hit that pawnshop as well since I'm still not sure on Eros' offer.
His offer also made me think of his motives. I mean, he said it himself, my father had killed a friend of his so in turn he was going to kill my brother. Was he just going to keep me around to mock my father? Or did he still plan to kill my brother secretly?
Or maybe he was going to kill me AND my brother.
This was extremely frustrating. I couldn't read that guy at all last night, not one bit. His relaxed composure would surely throw anyone off, he would probably be in the middle of torturing someone and ask them how the weather was that day.
Shaking my head, I picked up the jewelry and cash I had before pocketing it. A few thousand dollars from this jewelry could last me a while until I can find a temporary living situation.
After stopping at the main office to pay for my night, I headed out into the town. It was warm today, considering it was the end of May and I enjoyed the cool breeze for a bit before beginning my search.
But then my stomach growled, so with a sigh I decided to stop at a diner and get some breakfast.
The first one I stumbled upon was small but cozy, the name of it was Carol's. Taking a seat in a booth a bit away from the other people in the diner, I looked down at my hands. My knuckles were slightly bruised but other than that they were okay for the most part. No red tint was sticking to them like usual.
"Hello" a glass of water was placed in front of me and the young waitress smiled at me.
"I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Prue, I'll be your waitress. I'll come back in a bit after you've looked over the menu" the waitress, Prue, said and just as soon as she appeared she disappeared as if she were a ghost.
Thinking nothing of it, I looked over the menu and decided I needed a coffee. Something to get me through this shitty day.
"Mommy! Look!" My eyes drifted to a family seated at a booth some ways away. The little girl had put some of the whip cream from her pancakes on her nose and her mother laughed at her silliness.
Her mother then took some of the whip cream from her own pancake and put more of it on her daughter's nose.
"Mommy!!!" The girl shrieked but was still laughing through it.
I don't think I've ever...laughed with my mother. Probably not even as a baby who knows, we just didn't have that kind of relationship. I didn't have that kind of relationship with anyone in my family.
Family.
Everytime I referred to them as such a feeling of disgust spreader bit by bit throughout me. Family is supposed to love you, be your strength, and make you want to protect them and vice versa. I didn't feel that way and I know my parents and brother sure as hell don't feel that way about me.
To them, I was just someone of convenience, and I'm sure if it wasn't for the fact that I looked so much like Noel, they'd have rid of me years ago.
I'm still not even sure of the reason as to why they hate me so much. Yes I'm not your average mafia member, I disliked killing, selling/doing drugs, or anything that has to do with illegal acts but was that really enough to make them feel hatred? I could be considered weak because of this but why should I have to be born into such a life? I believe that I have the right to make my own decisions and live the life I want to.
But I couldn't, because even now my life wasn't mine.
When I was a kid, I used to want to be a train conductor. Not many people would call that an awesome dream job but to me, it was everything. I'd get to see so many new places, meet different people, and not be confined to this damned city and my family.
And now suddenly for the first time in my life I am given a choice and it's something I'd rather not choose for myself at all.
Join the Azure Dragons, betray my family, and be stuck with a death warrant over my head for probably the rest of my life.
Or.
Decline Eros' offer, continue with my escape plan, possibly fail and die.
I didn't even want to consider going back to the estate as an option, it wasn't something I ever wanted to do. By now, my absence should have been reported to my parents yet here I was sitting in this diner doing nothing.
Sighing, I called the waitress over so that I could hurry, eat, and get out of here.
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