Forever Tied to you

63

Sophie

Warmth.

That's the feeling surrounding me after the first full night of peaceful sleep in a while, and it didn't take long to figure out why. Mason.

His arm was around my waist holding me to him. I vaguely remembered  laying on the floor last night as the overwhelming feeling of being inadequate hit me with full force.

I was trying. In fact, I was trying my hardest to be good enough. A good enough wife, good enough mother, good enough friend, still I felt like I wasn't even good enough for myself much less anyone else.

I shuffled a little, groaning silently as the pain of two overly full breasts of milk reminded me that while sleep was a treat, skipped feedings were not.

Once I had managed to slip away from Mason, without waking him or the twins, I glanced at the makeshift bed he had created on the floor.

I really didn't deserve him.

I slipped out of the room and quickly went to our room to relieve the ache. It was nothing that twenty minutes on a human suction pump and several bags of milk didn't cure. At this rate we were going to need to buy a new freezer to store the milk I pumped.

Harleigh was the first to wake up. You could tell the difference between the twins cries, hers was almost a laugh, shaking her whole body, while Christopher's was quieter, relaxed and still. At least she didn't wait for me to finish pumping to wake up.

I carefully moved her from her crib and started feeding her while I moved the two bags of milk to the freezer. Once the milk was put away I sat in the living room chair and continued to feed and burp her until all that was remained was fresh morning smiles.

It wasn't long before Mason joined with a cranky Christopher, and then it was time for the process to begin over again. Milk, burp, diaper, repeat.

Mason had already gone back to work by the time it was finally appropriate to put them down for a nap. In the silence was the void of lonely I so desperately needed to fill. Which is why I took the first step to change it and picked up my phone.

About thirty minutes had passed on the phone when one of the twins started crying and I thanked the person on the phone. I felt better now that I finally had something that was just for me, somewhere I could go to escape the overwhelming moments life seemed to throw.

Maybe that's why when Mason returned from work I didn't feel as forced to smile. I was finally able to embrace the things I should have been, first and foremost my kids and my husband.

I didn't tell Mason about it, not now at least. I would, of course, when the time was right, but I knew the stigmas around therapists, especially those who dealt with depression.

I also knew that I wanted to focus on getting better and loving myself, before I had to think about how others perceived my weakness to be.

So we spent the night making memories as the twins cooed the sounds of mama and dada, before curling up in a heap of blankets. Mason got up and set the twins in their cribs before climbing into bed and pulling me to him.

"I don't think I ever tell you enough Soph, but I love you and I'm so, so grateful for everything you do for us and our family." His hand began brushing through my hair. "I just want to let you know that I'm here for you too, no matter what, it's us against the world okay?"

"Love you too Mase." I smiled and snuggled into him more until my eyes drifted shut.

.....

Three more months had passed by the time I finally felt ready to admit that I was seeing a therapist. Thankfully she was a remarkable woman and her ability to give me solutions to my identity crisis, were invaluable. She didn't just want to medicate me and be done, but reinvent the version of myself that I saw when I looked in the mirror.

It had been helping. Not only did I feel like I was finally becoming at peace with myself again, but I understood how the trauma of everything I had gone through had changed how I looked at myself.

It was something I was going to just keep to myself, there was no sense in telling Mason or anyone else, since I had officially had my last session, but of course, I had to be recognized as I exited the office for the last time.

"Well, look who we have here?" Her voice was smug, the look on her face identical to the sound.

"What do you want Sierra?" I sighed.

"Nothing, actually I'm amazing. Especially now I know there's trouble in paradise."

"Mason and I are fine." I rolled my eyes.

"People don't see a therapist for nothing Sophie. Trust me I have seen my fair share." She flipped her hair off her shoulders.

"Well it's nothing to do with Mason." I reiterated, feeling a little uncomfortable.

"Oh." Her eyes widened before she smirked. "Oh Sophie, he doesn't know does he? The ever controlling Mason has no clue his wife is seeing a therapist to handle her problems." I wanted to run but I knew o couldn't. "Anyway, I best get going, nails need touching up." She turned on her heels and walked away leaving me confused and backed into a corner.

There was no way out of this now. I had to tell him. Sierra couldn't be trusted, and I knew that if he found out from her she would somehow try to wiggle her way back into our lives.

'We need to talk tonight, it's important.'  I sent the message and unsurprisingly he texted back right away.

'Ok, I'll be home early.'

I just hoped my secret wouldn't hurt us too much.