We Met In Detention ✓

Thirty-Three | Memories

everybody moved on i

i stayed there, dust collected

~Harry's POV

Can't believe I let yet another secret slip. I was doing so well, hiding it from Myrtle. She's a ghost, meaning she'll be stuck with my problems forever. No escape for her.

That's why I tried to so hard to not do it in the bathrooms. 

Hiding my eating disorder was another thing. It felt almost impossible to not run to her bathroom every time. 

First, I told her I'd had stomach problems. It worked for a few weeks, until I started bringing hygiene products with me. 

She caught on.

She told me she knew someone else just like me. Someone who struggled the same way I did. She went to that person and talked to them, but couldn't convince me to go talk to that person.

They recovered recently apparently.

Then, in those times when it got so bad that I didn't even care who saw me, I'd go and almost die there. The time she'd found out about me self-harming, I had fainted and bled out and if she wasn't there I'd be gone.

Sometimes, in good moments, I thank her for saving my life. In other times, I wish she'd never found me. 

Since she died before mental health struggles were more commonly known, she didn't realise why I would harm myself. One day, she managed to convince a random student to look it up for her. 

When I realised she'd gone through all the effort of looking things up so she could help me, I realised she cared about me and wasn't just attracted to me. She became one of my friends. I knew she'd never tell a soul.

I was rather confused as to how she saved my life; I thought she was unable to touch things. Perhaps she learnt wandless magic. Alas, she never told me and we moved on.

Now she's going to start worrying even more about me, just because I slipped up.

There goes another thing to add the list of reasons why my mood is so terrible.

"You're late." Snape snapped me out of my own self-hatred thoughts as I walked into his classroom.

"Sorry." I mumbled and sat down. I had neither the energy or the focus to do this today.

"Let's begin. I believe you're on your way to becoming a proper Occlumens." He spoke, rather softly and politely compared to his usual tone. 

He was probably glad that this was almost over.

Catching me off guard, as he did in the first lesson, he dove through my mind. I was not prepared at all, and was still thinking about what happened with Myrtle.

Luckily, Snape only saw me talking to her. 

Instantly, I changed the memory. My focus was gone; there was no way I'd be able to clear my mind. While I internally fix myself, Snape can see some decent memories.

He was currently looking at the memory of me, Hermione and Ron in the snow in third year after fighting Draco.

It was rather funny to remember when we weren't friends, but knowing why he acted that way made me understand it all.

"What is up with you?!" Snape yelled after leaving my mind. "It's like all of our progress is gone!"

That's what they would say if everyone knew my other struggles any time I relapse. That's why I can't let anyone in.

"Harry?!" Snape yelled once again. Will he ever shut up? "You stupid fool, you were becoming alright at this. We could've finished our stupid lessons, but no. You suddenly decide to become an incompetent idiot."

He was getting on my nerves now.

"If it's that easy let's see you do it."

And so, I rebounded his spell to hit him and now I was going through his memories.

Teenage Snape walking through the halls, being laughed at for having toilet paper on his shoe.

I saw a boy just like me.

Snape was curled into a ball on the floor, a man presumably his father, towering over him, yelling before picking him up and slamming him into the wall. 

He's curled into a ball again, but against a tree and being tormented and humiliated by my father. My father. 

Flash forward, he's breaking down by himself on top of a rooftop, hands shaking as he stood up to jump.

I didn't see what happened because all of a sudden, he was back to being a child, and I saw him get beaten unconscious by a taller man. Then waking up and not being able to move.

Back to Snape as a teenager; he must've been in his sixth or seventh year. He was on the Astronomy tower, ready to jump with bleeding wrists. His cuts weren't as bad nor frequent.

"ENOUGH!"

Snape's mind cleared and I was back into reality, shook and overwhelmed by everything.

He was just like me, hurt and wanting to leave this place. Abused by family. Someone who liked to do harm to their own body. And my father bullied him.

No wonder my mere appearance caused Snape to hate me without even finding out who I am.

When I went through his memories, I didn't expect to see this. To see him being hurt the same way I did. To see him wanting to hurt himself the way I want to.

He was going to jump, just as I did. Wrists bleeding, just as I had tried. I had been saved by Hermione. Who saved him?

And so, as I was distracted and stuck in my own mind, Snape retaliated by going through mine. 

I couldn't think straight, because I'm gay, but because my mind was going absolutely psychotic. Everything was all too much and I discovered my final straw when I saw memories of my uncle beating the living daylight out of me.

More memories appeared as I was trying desperately, yet distractedly to stop them. Snape was watching the first time I got really badly hurt in the kitchen. Then, he was watching me watch Cedric die. 

Draco and me, kissing in the snow. Draco telling me about his pathetic excuse of a dad. I was praying Snape knew about this, because if so Draco's secrets as well as mine were out to the worst person possible.

Then we were on the tower when I told Hermione the truth and she suggested telling a teacher. Where I'd immediately declined it, and she told me to talk to Draco, who's secret was already exposed. 

Motivation to clear my mind came when he watched me come home after going to Diagon Alley with Hagrid. It wasn't until Vernon had led me to my room and started to undress that I'd been able to escape my mind and get rid of Snape while I was at it.

He was not going to watch me get raped.

Once we were back in reality, Snape gave me the same look I'd given him.

"You're just like me."

had to edit snape's memories to make the last proper chapter make sense