Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Borb》Sageo: A Death Saga

Reviewer: Borbityborb
Written by: iMeGiNeSoN

Book cover - 4/5

If your goal was to frighten me with the cover, it did a splendid job! I like the color scheme as well. What could be improved is the text formatting: the red font color is too bright for me, while "Sageo" is hard to read. "Sageo" should be more visible because the title on a book cover is the most important part.

Book title - 5/5

There could be no better title. It's memorable, mysterious, and its translation, "death saga", reflects the book's theme perfectly.

Book description - 4/5

The first half was good and attention-grabbing, while the second part can be improved on. Here are some suggestions:

"Shi(die)" Hoseok stabbed himself with a kitchen knife.

Could be reworded as - "DIE!" Hoseok screamed as he stabbed himself with a kitchen knife.  Authors don't usually add parentheses in their description, and rewording it makes Hoseok's actions clearer.

In which damnation was all he deserved but still you can try explaining his misdeeds.

Wanna know what he did? Read!

Pari

Could be reworded as -
In which damnation was all he deserved, but his misdeeds can be explained.
Wanna know what he did? Read!

Pari

I just rewrote the first sentence so it's less confusing. Also, I'd recommend changing "wanna" to "want to", because authors tend to avoid using shortcut words like "wanna," "gonna" or "gotta." But since this part was written by Pari, using the word "wanna" could add to her personality, so it's up to you if you want to keep it.

Prologue - 5/5
*(This covers [00] and [01])

I appreciate that you separated the real JHope from the fictional JHope you're using for this fanfic. I also appreciate the trigger warning and the insight on Pari. Above all, I LOVE the aesthetics you incorporated!!!

I loved the prologue. It was dark, and fills the reader's head with multiple questions - "Why has he grown numb?" "Who is that feminine voice?" "What did this to him?" It made me instantly turn to the next page. Good job!

Plot - 14/20

The story was written in a confusing way at times; it introduced new concepts and characters abruptly without much explanation. It was challenging to solve the mystery of the family, but here's my take:
Hoseok and his wife live in a two-storied house next to the Shok river. They had a son who grew to be six years old. Then they had a second son, who they named “Haru”, but Hoseok soon found out Haru was not his baby. Out of spite he killed Haru and tortured his wife in the bathtub.
The wife, in revenge, killed their first son (the six-year-old.) Then she set the whole house on fire. 
Pari and her assistant, Hosu, work in Nirvana (heaven) as people who sentence souls. Pari has the ability to see visions of the past, which she uses when she enters the burning house. The big plot twist is that Hosu is Haru, the son of Hoseok. In the end, Hoseok is sentenced to reincarnate as a newborn.

I feel you could have expounded more on Pari’s powers because it was very confusing to me that she could visit the past and experience visions. You could also make it clear in the first parts of the story that she and Hosu work for Nirvana. To keep the plot twist, you can simply make Hosu have no memory of his past.

The foreshadowing in this story - the “clue dropping” so the readers could make theories as to what happened - could be improved. The scene at the bathtub in [03] and [04] was easy to solve, as well as the TV part showing the wife’s affair in [05.] The confusing part (also in [05]) was the masculine voice who shouted, “You wh*re! How dare you kill my baby!!!” because it was never explained who the masculine voice was. The five-to-six-year-old on the railing also puzzled me; he seemed to appear out of nowhere. Perhaps you could expound on these two points more? It’s important to work on the foreshadowing. It is the core of mystery stories and builds suspense and keeps the reader hooked; it should confuse the reader, but not so much that they get frustrated.

Now on to the ending. The first part was clear; it was a look into the past and showed how the fiasco of the fire began. It would have brought the story to a neat close if the middle parts weren’t confusing. The second part could be improved; it’s not explained when or where Pari and Hosu are now. Pari also sneers at Hosu; “sneering” usually connotates negativity and I don’t understand why Pari would behave this way. You could give more clues as to who the “special someone” coming is. It also felt too short; it would’ve been nice to see Hosu’s perspective on finding out the history of his family.

Overall, I like the supernatural plot! It’s not new, but it was written in a way that captivated me. The mystery was thrilling and I was hooked on solving the clues. However, the concept of soul sentencing and the foreshadowing could be improved on. For inspiration on writing foreshadowing, I’d recommend reading the short story “Miss Hinch” by Henry Sydnor Harrison.

Characters - 9/10

I LOVED the main characters! They have a good balance of flaws and strengths. Pari was brave and smart but she also made mistakes and is physically weak. Hosu is a loyal assistant to Pari but he isn’t as skilled as her. I removed one point because their job in Nirvana could’ve been explained clearer.

As for the side characters, I loved Hoseok, his wife and their sons! They all have strong motivations, interesting pasts and distinct traits. They are a big part as to why I kept reading the story - I wanted to unravel their histories. 

Pacing - 7/7

While the clues were written in a confusing way, they were dropped at just the right time. I appreciate that you wrote who’s POV it was in each chapter so the story would flow smoothly! The overall structure of the story - beginning with a hook, introducing Pari and Hosu, Pari exploring the house, Hosu reuniting with Pari and his father and finally, the ending that shows the beginning of the mystery, is perfect. 

Enjoyment - 6/7
At times it was difficult to process what was happening (due to the grammar and the sudden plot points) but I generally loved the dark, paranormal vibe and the mystery! The plot twist was so heartbreaking, but it left me satisfied with the characters’ fates. If you could, I’d love to see another story about Pari’s work as a soul sentencer.

Writing technique - 10/10

Your figures of speech (particularly the metaphors) are very unique and the way you describe things is very creative! Keep it up!

Grammar/spelling/vocab - 7/10

The spelling is perfect with only some minor mistakes. The vocabulary is extensive!
What you should focus on editing are your sentences. How you use verb tenses and sentence structure can be improved; sometimes it’s not clear what you’re talking about, and there are some run-on sentences. Tenses and structure are challenging to study; I myself had a hard time with them, and I needed an English teacher to help me with that. For now, you can use Grammarly or put your story under Word to make the writing more concise.

Overall - 71/84

Let’s summarize: your book's title, prologue, and pacing is perfect, while the cover and description can be improved. Develop the plot holes and foreshadowing more, and edit your sentences.

Believe me when I say, I LOVE the way you write!!! It’s so unique and refreshing, and there is never a dull moment in this story. You don’t write too slow or too fast, and the character concepts are so captivating! Also, you are a very skilled graphics artist! Do you mind sharing some of that talent?

I look forward to your future stories! Keep writing, and good luck!