Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Yasmin》Kingdom of Carnage

Reviewer: Owls1221

Client: Bishesbehatin

Title: 6/10

The title is nice and it does help deliver the idea that this story is going to be dark and brutal (and bloody). However, I hate to say this, but unfortunately the title didn't grab my attention and it wasn't that interesting to me personally. I've seen a lot of titles like that for fantasy novels. It's always about the kingdom of something or sword of this and that or crown of that and this. Basically it's a trend that almost every fantasy writer is aiming for which is honestly unoriginal at this point.

To be really honest, I prefer the previous title "Prophecy of Ice" more because... Well... Yes, prophecy of something is also one of those titles but in your story it was a bit different. It caught my attention in a way that made me curious. Prophecy of Ice? What about Ice? Is there some kind of magical kind of ice that is different from ordinary ice powers? etc. That title had a really good impression on me because you used an intermediate word and put it with a simple word like ice, thus bringing curiosity to the reader.

Now I'm not telling you to go completely original nor telling you to change the title. All I did was let you know why I didn't like it that much. You can still keep the current title and the cover.

Cover: 9/10

Not going to lie, the cover is pretty great. The golden font, the glowing effect on the crown, the small details like the blood coming out from the crown. It's all great, just that the sub-title below and the author's name should be a little brighter and bolder? Because it was a little faint, especially for someone who uses a phone to read.

Other than that the cover is still great. It feels like it was made from scratch.

Summary: 9/10

The summary is also great, it created a mysterious and dark atmosphere and also made me curious to what is happening. Also, something about Nyxalia going outside the wall has given me a certain feeling (well it's more of a vibe) that makes me want to read and find out.

Just a few things though. The order of events in the summary felt a bit strange, not confusing, just strange. One paragraph was talking about mistakes and the MC going out, the next paragraph is about the cursed people, then the next and final paragraph is back to the MC being outside and meeting someone.

The summary is fine, just try re-arranging some of the paragraphs mentioned above in certain order so the readers can get an even better idea of the plot. (don't change the grammar or wording, just rearrange).

The paragraph about the mistakes, then about the curse, and then finally about the MC being outside and meeting someone there.

Grammar: 9/10

Well, most of the grammar presented in the book is okay. I can understand what is happening and the sentences made sense and were correct. However, there were very few thing you need to focus on and it's as follows:

Since the event took place in the past, the words must be in past tense to fit with the timeline and the flow of your writing. Additionally, when describing certain situations or scenes, be careful with apostrophes. I noticed that throughout your book you keep adding the D apostrophe relating to the word "would". I understand that you're trying to write the story using American English but this isn't how you use it? If you know what I mean?

The reason is because it confuses the reader a bit with the characters' intentions here. For example, in the scene where Selene describes the soldiers' death and said "they'd". It should be "they've" and not "they'd" because it implies that the soldiers would or should have been killed in another way? Or the fact it possibly shows that they wanted to die this way or that. Or in chapter two when Nyx said "she'd" been with the group for a few years and Elex'd been with the group longer. This gives the idea that Nyx 'would' like to be with the group.