Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Borb》Reveal

Reveal (by VampireQueen1006)
*Note: all chapters were read

Reviewer: Borbityborb

Book cover - 5/5

The art is beautiful and the girl is how I would picture Laurel to look like. I also like the addition of a mirror, because the vampires travel through them.

Book title - 4.5/5

I think the book title describes the story well; so does the book series name, “Vampire Queen”.

Book description - 4/5

The book blurb by itself is good; in my opinion it could be less wordy and have some paragraphs formatted differently to make it have more impact. Since it’s rather short here’s how I would reword it:

What would you do if your reflection came out of your mirror?

Laurel Johnson was a normal girl. She had everything an average person could want: a loving family, best friend, and good rep in school. But the sudden arrival of a stranger changes her life.

Her destiny is revealed: she is to rule a realm of fantasy. She has magical powers, frightening enemies, and deaths to avenge.

Welcome to The Vampire Kingdom.

If you want a professional feel to the book blurb, you could remove “Happy reading, dear readers” as it is less a part of the summary, more an author’s note.

Prologue - 3/5
(This covers “Ch-1: I Am Your Twin Sister”)

The plot and premise in itself is captivating and got me interested in what was going to happen next. In a grammar sense, it could be improved; the paragraphs could be formatted better and there are some grammatical and spelling errors.

When you edit in the future I recommend putting this chapter under Google Docs or Grammarly. Here also is a piece of advice about paragraphs I’d like to give you, the acronym TiP TOp!
Ti for time change, P for place change, TO is for a topic change and p is for a change of person.

Plot - 13/20

In your form you said you wanted me to focus on Chapter 12 and beyond, but my observations also apply to the chapters before.

As requested you are looking for mainly plotholes. One is Emilia introducing herself in Chapter 1 as “Emilia Innes” even though her last name is “Hawthorne”. A second is - why would Clara wait almost 10+ years to tell Agnes the truth of her father and inheritance? Additionally, why would Al only visit his family after said 10+ years? Why not 8 years ago? Or 9? It seems like a big coincidence. Lastly, I’m confused if the evil vampires are called “Blackridges” or “Blackthornes”.

Other than that, I’ll delve into other aspects of the plot:

First is lore dumps. I feel the use of lore dumps could be lessened. Mainly the information we get from the Vampire World is via exposition from Clara, Emilia, Al, or anyone associated with the realm of vampires. I feel it’d be better for Laura to experience these firsthand, such as when she experienced her Transformation, Awakening, and Thirst and learned what it means through her experience.

Second is the world-building. The world is my favorite part of the plot. I like the idea that vampires, hunters, werewolves, and witches are in the same realm and potentially live in turmoil! I wish that Laura had, as mentioned previously, met one or some of these beings so I could immerse myself in this supernatural world more. In terms of world-building I was surprised the novel was mostly set in Laurel’s school and house; it would be more exciting to have a more diverse range of locations, such as a forest for when El and Em train with their dynameis.