Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Trilogy》Stolen Hearts, Shattered Minds

Client: aamaya_dee

Reviewer: TheManofFiction

Taking a step back, the concept of the story is quite interesting: The stories of different groups of people who are seemingly unrelated. Yet, they are, or at least will be later on. You do keep that sort of ambiguity going, though, as I got to chapter 9 and haven't seen the connection.

Reading a book all the way through does take a level of time and dedication so I hope you're not making your audience wait too long. Take this with a grain of salt, but if you added just a few hints or subtle references to other characters, or at least somehow connect the events that happened due to the character's actions and perhaps the occurrences they were a part of, the reader could reach a sense of achievement and progress in finding a possible tie to these people.

Cover:

The words aren't perfectly centered on the page, and I believe you could use more design elements that would make it pop than just the standard picture with words typed onto it. I do like the color scheme, however. Gloomy and moody.

Now for the blurb:

I remember seeing an article or little video from Wattpad that basically goes through the aspects of a good blurb (it's a quick and informative watch, so I recommend it). One of the pieces of advice was to avoid dialogue or long quotations from the book. Maybe add one or two short quotations that REALLY packs a punch and resonates with the feel or theme of your book, but not a demo.

*Also, in a quotation, you added several 'u's' to 'you'. I get this is to signify the guy screaming out the name and dragging it along, but in writing it feels unprofessional, like I'm reading a text message. Definitely suggest avoiding writing words in such a way.*

Instead of summarizing the plot of each group of characters with several lines each, I recommend lessening it to 1-2 paragraphs to briefly introduce them all.. Think of it as an 'elevator pitch'. You'll only have the reader's attention for a minimal amount of time. You want to make use of it. Get to the bare bones of each person's story, then end with the question of if their stories are connected or not - or better yet, HOW they're connected. Because if you present the question of them even being related, the answer would most definitely be yes, because if not then you wouldn't have asked the question in the first place. So the better question isn't "IF", but "HOW".

Writing style:

I've seen the same pattern in another writer's manuscript where the story would go from a 3rd person POV, then to a 1st person POV, then onto what seems like script form. I'm not sure why you do this, but keeping a consistent writing style is preferred, as that sort of change seems unprofessional. Believe me, a story doesn't need to be told in that manner, as another writer thought. All the characters can be written with one type of Point of View, you just need to know how to adapt the story to it.

There has been misspellings and grammar issues. I recommend going.

Really dissecting it, the chapters are a bit short. There's a bit of conflict, but it seems more like everyday marital problems. Also, we see the two friends traveling together, but not much conflict happens quite yet. I get that some stories take time to unfold, but really consider how you can get the ball rolling. People want results and they may not wait for long until they just switch to the next story.

See how the events can truly impact the conflict, or lead to the conflict. Not much of "if so and so never moved to this city, they would have never met this person". That works, but think more dramatically. What regrettable choice, rash decision, mistake, or any other push led the character to a CLEAR chain of events which we can EXPECT would spark the main conflict, and not something that would begin the conflict seemingly by chance? If the reader doesn't see the true progression of the plot, they won't have much of a reason to keep going.

Of course, a level of mystery is appreciated. But to me (personally), the vagueness here seems overdone. It would be nice if there was a hint or some irony where one character knows what's going on and the other doesn't (I'm talking about Prisha and her friend).

Your prose could use some improvement. Instead of putting emphasis on telling us what they're feeling, perhaps let us in more on their subtle bodily movements, reactions, along with their thoughts. You do this to some extent already, so well done at that.

Dialogue:

A few questions here. How do you talk? How do you hear other people talk? When someone gets enraged (from your past experience), does their dialogue grow more elegant and poetic, or more crude and rude? Whatever is realistic, you may want to draw inspiration from that, because creating realistic dialogue goes hand in hand with creating realistic characters. Believe me, you don't need someone to talk like a playwright for his words to pack a lasting punch. Think of the last time someone hurt you verbally. How did they do it? Why was their attempt of hurting your feelings effective?

Study human psychology this way - through observation and experience. It can do great things for your writing.

Extra note: Forgive me for my latency for your work. It's no excuse, but please do recognize the list of things we reviewers are okay with reading. Romance was a no for me, but... well you know how it went. For you, you would want someone with deeper experience in the romance genre than I, and you would want someone more eager to read your book right off the bat. Picking the right reviewer is important as well. But regardless, I hope my input helped you, and that you'll take these things to heart.