Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Trilogy》Veiled Desires

Client: Amaira_52k

Reviewer: TheManofFiction

Alright, so let's start off with first impressions, as this is what initially catches the reader's eye.

The Blurb is actually pretty good. You see, some folks tend to include whole chunks of dialogue from their story into the blurb, adding the actual story description as a cherry on top. This creates a sort of essay to read, and that's not what a blurb should be. But you keep yours as a single paragraph, making it more palpable. I would suggest sticking to that unless if there's quite a lot to tell (I've seen some books with two or three paragraphs for a blurb, but they're compact and brief, cutting out all the "fluff". You can see that it's what I tried aiming for in my own book - Heartwell).

However, there's a bit of improvement to be made.

"Amidst the glitz and glamour of the fashion and music industry, Maya, an influential CEO, finds herself entangled in a thrilling love triangle with her dearest friends, Jai and Vir. Little do they know that Maya's enigmatic past as Mira holds a dark connection to Vir's secrets, unraveling a high-stakes tale of concealed desires, hidden identities, and a quest for redemption. As Maya grapples with her mysterious history and the crimes she left behind in Kolkata, the story delves into a suspenseful exploration of power, love, and shadowy pasts."

So hear me out. The title of the story is "Veiled Desires", right? Well, I personally think it would be pretty cool if you were to hint at the title in your blurb to make both aspects feel more woven together.

You already wrote "... Concealed desires" in the blurb, but that's not quite the title. I get that you're hinting at it, I do. Seriously there's nothing wrong with how you wrote that. Just a thought.

Flaws

The greatest flaw of this story is the inconsistent writing style. You began traditionally, with dialogue, thoughts, subtext, imagery - the whole set included in the average reading experience. However, after a few chapters, you steered away from that style. Throughout the span of almost 10 parts, you've crafted together what's best explained as a summary and a list of information - which is basically an inclusion of certain normal aspects of storytelling (such as narration and transitioning) but taken to extreme lengths. You want to steer clear of that.

After this, you went back to a style reminiscent of the first two chapters, but the story's written somewhat like a script. Now such a method of writing is fine to get ideas on paper. We all have our own strategies to get us going past the harsh barrier of writer's block. However, when you include those in your published version, it may be unfavorable to your readers and lead people off the trail of breadcrumbs you planted to keep them invested. After all, you want this story to be well received.

Personally, I understand the want to get my story on the internet as quick as possible. We want people to see what we've been working so hard on. We want validation. But think about it this way - we are people in search of novel experiences. We long for adventure, romance, or wacky lackadaisical action, even if it's only in our minds. Most people deserve to read something that meets that expectation and to be inspired and utterly immersed in a whole new world, or at least another earthly life seen through another pair of eyes. It's a rather spectacular thing that we long for, and it's even more spectacular that we would bother longing for such a thing, compared to animals (I'm guessing they don't feel that way).

This leads me to force myself to be a little more patient with what I publish. Because I want people to get the best out of my story. I want people - magnificent specimens, to be touched and find some fulfillment in my words. It doesn't mean I will be perfect. I revisit chapters I published only a few weeks ago and see some rookie mistakes. So what? No one's perfect (except God and his heavenly hosts). But I believe this mindset can improve your stories so much. It's helped me.

I gave you most of my advice through the comments, so I won't bash much on what I already told you. But to be short-

'Telling', in the right portions, is a great tool to use, but at the end, the reader should be 'shown' and immersed in what's happening. It's the essence of storytelling.

Make sure you don't have the narrator explain what's already obvious. You tend to do that, causing the paragraphs to sound overly lengthy. Sometimes, short is sweet.

You can also work on your transitions, what parts are worth writing, and what sections are best left to summarize. Master writers know how to make that distinction. If you got that part down, you'll have your story flow much better without having too much left to the narrator's voice, or dwelling too much on an area one could easily skip over.

Strengths

I'd say your strong hand lies in vocabulary and in concepts. Your description of Revoltution creates this fiery, lively essence that I would actually like to see in a live performance. I imagine genre blends and skills not oftenly shown with each other, and the idea of the story is a fine one, which is why the blurb works well. The main thing is that you need to find a better way to fulfill those ideas.

The concept of a wealthy corporate owner who shares deep secrets with famous pop stars and yet none of them seem to remember (but gradually remember), is an idea that many people would like to explore, including myself. But you need each chapter to contribute to getting us closer to the fulfillment of our curiosity. I've read 10 chapters, and I only just began to see the internal conflict, even though the conflict is just that - internal, not external yet. The conflict becoming external is what we want to see, but I get the feeling it will be a while until that happens.

It's okay to let things build up and have all the memories take their time to bubble up, but be sensitive to the time and length you're using to make that happen.

Alright, that concludes that. I hope all this helps!