Amaryllis | REVIEW SHOP [ CLOSED ]

《Staris》 The Elf Witch

Reviewer: starisredy
Book by: jacquelyngilmore

i. Introduction and Disclaimer

- Hey there, Jackie! I've read three chapters of your book "The Elf Witch".

- Quick reminder that I will not touch up (only nudges, if necessary) on the basic technical aspects of your book (grammar, spelling, punctuation, formatting). But I will touch everything else that falls under the flow of the writing. You can find this part in the third section of the review (iii. Writing Flow).

- Disclaimer: Everything I say here is my personal judgment based on my experiences. These are all my opinions on what I think will make your story better, but that does not mean you need to follow every suggestion I make. You can dismiss or heed any part of this according to what you think will improve your story. You are the author of this story and the only person to decide what is best for it.

ii. Cover, title, blurb

- Your cover is beautiful. The color scheme is soft, yet darker areas lurk from within. It matches well with the expectation of reading the title, as it manipulates a woman from the forest. Beauty, spring, and something gentle blooms from within her, but it comes deep inside among the treacherous scheme of nature. Font families are simple, a bit too simple, but I find that they fit well, especially their placement and matching color schemes with the rest of the cover. Would've perhaps suggested some interaction between the manipulated objects and the typography to make the text, albeit simple, feel more related to the main subject.

- Title is very straightforward, and tells us right away who or what the main subject is. Like above, it matches with the cover especially with the expectations of elves being related to nature, and witches to something bewitching, magical, and dark. Nice, simple, easy to remember, and fitting.

- Blurb isn't too long, structured in a way that's easy on the eyes, and it's quick and snappy. But let's go over a bit from paragraph to paragraph. The first sentence introduces us immediately to what kind of life the main character is going to lead as the story starts. It's a good and strong lead, but the next sentence doesn't feel as impactful. Part of it doesn't feel as connected either. The clause about magic disappearing followed by what will happen to the MC next—these two don't seem to belong in the same sentence, and the introduced stakes of the second clause doesn't feel too high. The cause of this is sentence structure. I will suggest either separating them into two different sentences, or changing part of how the first clause is introduced to show us more that the loss of magic is not a good thing. Or both.

- 'Though' in the first clause adds uncertainty. Not the kind I feel you want to come across, rather, it comes across as it is uncertain if magic really is disappearing, which is what lessens the feeling of impact. I will suggest deleting it and putting an abrupt 'But' at front. So it can be:

"But magic is disappearing. Now, thrust into the treacherous court of her kingdom, Imani is forced to train with the most lethal witches in the world."

- I only changed the structure and a few words, but the rest is still the same as your style. The abrupt end of the first clause here invokes urgency, something that tells us it is not a good thing. And following it with 'Now' lets us know how these two things are connected.

- The second paragraph dives more into mystery and something unknown to be discovered that lies somewhere within the further Imani gets in her journey. Which is great for adding further conflict, issues, and mysteries along the way. But something about this part also feels lacking. I know discretion makes mystery, but the 'dark plan,' 'web of intrigue,' and 'dangers beyond her imagination' are too generalized in a way where instead of eager to know more, I find myself remembering countless other places where similar, vague phrases are brought up in the blurb. No details even just a tiny bit to give a delicious peek of what kind of darkness lies in her late grandmother's plan, or what kind of danger she is facing or will face. This can be more expounded on by changing 'dangers' to something a little bit more specific. Say, 'loss of something precious to her,' 'possible death of loved ones,' 'seeing the holes in her beliefs since childhood,' and many more—these may not seem much, but if they are considered a 'danger' to the main character, we are more likely to also consider it a danger. Not only that, we can relate more to it, and it makes the mystery even thicker. Say it's the loss of a precious item. It begs the question 'what kind of item, and why is it important to her?' Which instinctively makes a potential reader want to know more. This is what you'd call 'the taste of a mystery,' because we get a little taste, without knowing what it is. And doesn't that make you crave more?