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《Sara》Turning Crimson

Turning Crimson: Secrets of Thorn Manor: by  TurningCrimsonSeries
Reviewer: Moon_G0ddess

Alright, let's consider this a manuscript instead of a book, 'cause that's what it really is, isn't it? That's what all of our books here are, incomplete, unedited, and unprofessional manuscripts waiting for more polishing. And that's exactly what we do; we edit and polish them until they are as close to perfection as they could be. In this review, I will be trying to help you edit and polish your manuscript to the best of your ability and mine, too. But this will all be just advice; you're the only one who can make it. So let's start.
Cover:
Like most of us, covers are not my forte. I personally prefer to go to designers here on wattpad for any type of cover, but we have to have at least an idea of what we want here. Your current cover would be amazing as a character aesthetic, but not a cover at all. There's no room for improvement there, but here's an idea: Why don't you make another cover? For the crimson effect, we can use a background of dark red skies, maybe with a red moon or something. Then you could place a haunted-looking manor in there for the main picture. Keep it simple and subtle, but you could come up with more different ideas. How about the name, Thorn Manor, let's use that. Imagine a picture of a white rose with big Thorns and drops of blood against a dark background. If you can do this, it would be good, and if you can't, you can always do as I do and turn to graphic shops. I'm sure you can find some amazing artists here in our community's graphic shop. Just make sure you tell them exactly what you want, and I'm sure you will have a great cover.
Title:
The title sounds intriguing, but I have yet to discover what is turning crimson exactly. That part reminds me of the animated movie 'Turning Red', where the girl turns into a red panda. Gives cute-ish vibes now that you realize it's associated with something like that, and it makes sense that they would call it that, what's with the whole 'girl turning into a red panda' thing. But your book has eyes turning crimson, not so much to associate with something like a cute animated movie, if you ask me. It makes it sound unoriginal and less creative. Secrets of Thorn Manor sounds like a promising title, not a subtitle. The series name doesn't have to be this. You could make it 'Secrets of Thorn Manor' book one of the 'Choose a title' series. You don't have to write the last part in the title. It could be found in both the blurb and the cover, but not the title. So the title should simply be 'Secrets of Thorn Manor'
Blurb:
The blurb feels scattered all over the place. Nothing makes sense, and it's a bit tangled and confusing. First, you talk about Hazel and Ophelia's friendship, which feels like the focal point of the story. But then you're talking about Ophelia and her brother and Thorn Manor, and then you move on to Hazel's dreams, and there's a new boy in town, and something is not quite right, and there are night creatures. We cannot even say who's the protagonist here. It's too jumbled and full of unconnected information. Break it up and start over. First, introduce the main character. Then find the main conflict in the story, and it's better be just one, and add it to the blurb. What's Hazel's goal and what is keeping her from getting to it? Or what is it that makes Hazel so uneasy about Thorn Manor? Then you conclude with a climax, what is on the line, or something with a hook that makes your readers wonder what's next, what's to find out inside the book.
I haven't read much of your book, but here's something I have come up with. (p.s: you don't have to use it. It's just an example to give you some hint on how you can write your blurb)
'(introduction) Hazel Bridget is your average teenage girl, and Ophelia Thorn certainly looks the part. But that's not how Hazel feels anymore.
(conflict) Hazel had been best friends with Ophelia ever since they were five. But now that they are both grown up, Hazel starts to notice strange things about Ophelia and the entire Thorn family. Even Ophelia's older brother, Caleb, who's always been nice to Hazel, seems like he has his own secrets.
Although Hazel wants nothing to do with the secrets of Thorn Manor, she soon finds herself tangled up in a crazy, supernatural mess, and she learns things about herself that she never would have believed possible. And now there's a new boy in town, and he seems to have brought new secrets and more troubles for Hazel with him.
(climax) Some secrets are better left alone, and maybe Hazel will soon learn that the hard way.'
You know your book better than I do, so I'm sure if you follow this example, you might come up with something a lot better.
Plot:
For the prologue, I'd say I couldn't catch anything prologue-ish about it. The prologue has to build up some tension, while at the same time introduce some characters. I get that you were trying to build some tension regarding Thorn Manor, but you did nothing about that. What I saw in the prologue was a perfectly fine manor and a perfectly fine boy. Nothing strange happened. Apart from when someone came and talked to Caleb from behind the door, which is actually normal if you think about it. How about if Hazel just catches a glimpse of something in one of the windows? Just a shadow could make all the difference here. But her conversation with Caleb and what happened there doesn't add any tension here.
Your overall plot sounds amazing, but it's too hindered by too many factors. There are a lot of plot holes I noticed in the first few chapters. And everything, and I mean everything, is revealed from the first few chapters. If we are to follow Hazel's journey throughout the book, we need to be as confused and in the dark as she is. It doesn't do well that she's exploring this new world and learning all these new secrets that we already know everything about. We know, so we don't want to see her getting to know and understand. It becomes more like an old joke; when you hear it again, it's not funny anymore. I don't mean that in an offensive way, more like an analogy. Secrets of Thorn Manor are not secrets at all. They're only secrets to Hazel, and so we don't want to follow her journey in discovering them because we already know.
There are some plot holes in your book too. I explained some in the Characters' Development. But I can still see this becoming a great book, and these are no empty words of compliment. I mean it. I see nothing wrong with the plot itself, except for the few plot holes which need to be cured.
One thing that I thought didn't make sense. The whole mixing blood ceremony. It would make more sense if a few drops of blood are ingested through the mouth. I mean what are the chances of what happened in the ally actually happening and without either of them taking notice? I think it's zero. Ophelia should notice immediately that she's bleeding. But if during the fight, some blood flew into Hazel's mouth, Ophelia might ignore that. Because first, Hazel must have spit it all out, and second, it won't make any changes since she's a normal human being. The fight should be more brutal, anyways. You have a potentially great scene there, so stretch it a little bit and build some tension with it. Put something at the stake, Hazel and Ophelia's lives, and Thorn Manor's secrets.
Character's Development:
First off, the characters in the prologue. We see eight-year-old Hazel and Ophelia, and nine-year-old Caleb. But none of them gave me any childish impression. They seemed so mature from their conversation, and Hazel and Ophelia were meeting in a café. I think girls their age might meet for tea parties or in the park or a playground. Caleb spoke like a teenager already. I'm not sure a nine-year-old would say 'the world would implode.'
The introduction of Hazel is not done so well. I personally like a flawed character, but a character with so many flaws doesn't sound good. Don't misunderstand me, but I think you should give her some redeeming qualities. Hazel is not the protagonist of a teen fiction story, where she could be the bad, mean high school girl that would be redeemed by the end of the story. She's the protagonist of a paranormal book, where she would have supernatural adventures. She needs to earn the support of her fans. They need to see something about her to make them root for her. But what you give them is a super lazy, super laid-back, and cranky high school girl.
First off, any of us who experience such a nightmare would be too occupied to think about how stupid their school slogan is. And if she's not a morning person or a lazy person, that's ok, as long as she does like a normal person would do and long for a few more minutes of sleep. Scrolling through her phone when she just woke up and is late for school shows she is just downright irresponsible. It's like she's I woke up and I'm late for school, but I don't care anyway, scrolling through Instagram is more important to me. I wouldn't like a character like that. And all her cranky words make her sound like a B-word girl, if you get what I mean. She didn't even shower or brush her teeth or have breakfast like a normal human being. You could show she's lazy and normal through some simple acts. Instead of getting up quickly from bed, she drags herself to the bathroom. Instead of a healthy breakfast, she just has cereal. And don't show all her flaws in the first chapter. You don't want your readers to hate her. They might hate some things about her, which is good. But give them time to like her first. Introduce her flaws slowly throughout the chapters, and only after you're certain she has made a good impression on the readers already.
Amber is so sweet, and I don't mean that in a good way. She's the cliché main character's best friend who's the opposite of her and always so cheerful and sweet and forgiving and funny and all that. Have you heard of the term Mary Sue? It is when a character is too perfect. Your Amber is a Mary Sue, while your Hazel is the complete opposite of a Mary Sue.
Another thing about Hazel is that she never processes things right. Her reactions to a freaky situation are always lacking. She should be scared out of her wits, but she is still acting and thinking normally. When Ophelia saw her drawings of the hunters in the woods, what happened next should've confused Hazel and taken some space in her mind. She should have freaked out. It should have scared her for a while. And she should be thinking more about it.
The scene in the alley with Uncle Ernie. Well, he's a rogue, and Hazel is bleeding. The scent of blood should be enough to enrage him and send him into a frenzy to feed, which should scare Ophelia a little bit and should make what happens next more brutal. Then Hazel should be frightened. A little panic attack would do her some good.
The 'Christopher always had a way of getting people to spill their secrets' part makes no sense. Christopher did nothing. Lucas said everything without being pushed, which makes him sound like a snitch. I get why in his younger years as a child what happened with Shelley might confuse him at that moment. But when he grew older, I think his memories were clear and they didn't make any sense at all. I mean he remembers clearly that Eli was chained and had claw marks on him. This whole thing makes him seem too prejudiced and too paranoid, to be honest. Because if he takes one moment to analyze his memory, he will see how obvious it is that he was wrong. And let's be honest, with Caleb's little show when Hazel went into Thorn Manor, it is too obvious that Eli could have just outrun them from the very beginning. He should not have been captured unless he was trapped. He could have run away from the moment they showed hostility. He had no reason to trust them at all, and no reason to protect little Lucas and escort him back to what's obviously a vampire hunters' camp. Eli was too good, more of a fool.
And how about Caleb's explanation? Shouldn't Hazel be a little concerned after hearing about bitten vampires being monsters? I would have panicked for sure, or even lost consciousness with all that's happened. It's more than just 'this is weird', don't you think? The whole being a monster right now.
I tried to read until I reached some redemption arc concerning Ophelia, but I couldn't. Please tell me she did what she did on purpose, and not because she's a complete B-word. I like to avoid cursing, but honestly, that girl made me hate her more than Hazel. And Caleb is fine, I guess. 
Writing Style:
Your writing style is both beautiful in so many ways and lacking in many others.
The first thing I noticed in your writing style was the numbers. You should not write numbers in your book, and when you wrote £5, you should know that not all of your readers would be able to know that currency. You should simply write 'five pounds' instead, since it's a novel, you don't want to have anything but letters on your pages. No numbers, no symbols.
Secondly, straying from the main plot to explain Hazel's current financial situation or her opinion of the college slogan when you just started the book was not the right move. You're still working on catching some readers, so don't bore them with any unnecessary details at first. But you do have a talent for describing the surroundings, so focus on that instead. If you start by describing her room, you could give us a little insight into who she is and what she likes and dislikes, or maybe you don't need to go that deep. Maybe through describing Hazel's house we could guess that their financial situation is a little tight. Don't underestimate your readers, they can figure it out themselves.
This brings us to the third problem, the universal conflict between showing and telling. For some reason, when I started writing, I thought the difference between showing and telling was that I had to show my readers the surroundings and how my characters act through dialogues, etc, and telling included everything else in between. If it's not to describe the situation or the surrounding area, go for telling. I don't know if that's how everyone else thinks when they have a problem with showing and telling, but moving on from my rant, it is not like that at all! You don't just show the scenery and make up some scenes. You can show everything, and I mean everything. Ask yourself when you write: can I make my readers figure it out by themselves? Then do it. Don't hesitate. Show us. If you still have doubts that we might not understand, tell us after you have shown us. Let me try to make more sense. Show us how Ophelia and Hazel's relationship turned out through interactions between them. Then tell us what happened years ago.
That would also grant you the ability to apply another magical literary device: foreshadowing. When Amber shows up, for instance, don't just tell us who she is currently to Hazel. Show us something between them that would let us guess, and then we would start wondering what happened to Ophelia. That's foreshadowing.
And with the amount of telling you do, it turns into info dumping, which can literally choke your plot and drown it under its tremendous weight. Now I don't mean to exaggerate, but your first chapter is filled with things you tell us about Hazel. The difference between showing and telling is like the difference between reading a book and just having someone tell you what the book is about with spoilers included. It's like you're saying: hey, I read a book and it's about a girl named Hazel, she and Ophelia are best friends, but no more, because that happened, and her mother is and her father is, and her friends are, and the story goes like this, etc...
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you might kill your book's potential with just this one fatal problem you have. You write in third person's pov, which grants wondrous opportunities to show off your skill as a writer. Third-person pov is supposed to enhance your ability to show. For example, if you were writing in first person, it would sound strange if Hazel were to describe herself, so it would make it a difficult task for you as a writer to find a way around that. But third person gives you the freedom to do that and more. Try to use it as best you can.
And you have to apply some literary devices. I said before that your writing style was beautiful and lacking at the same time. You can draw some beautiful imageries, but you lack the use of so many literary devices that you could actually be using without realizing it. Knowledge is power, so if you can learn more about that subject, I think it will help you immensely.
Your vocabulary is simple, which should be fine for your genre. But it feels too simple, so I think you should shake things up a bit. Just a tiny bit though. Don't go out of your way to find some fancy words.
I have come up with something that might help you arrange your thoughts around.
'Hazel opened her eyes, jumping up in a sweat as her alarm echoed through the room. This time, she was actually thankful for the alarm for saving her from that dreadful nightmare. She was still breathing hard, the chill of the nightmare fading away slowly as the horrifying images played in her mind. (a normal person would wake up still thinking about their nightmare, not the slogan of their college, which we are going to forfeit here. You could just mention it later, but keep it to that, just a mention. Like 'Hazel went to Aramoor Academy... until you say 'had a couple of issues with that slogan. Period. No more. Don't detail her issues with the slogan, not important.)
She could not help but reach a hand to her back. No blood, no wound, just a bad dream. The same stupid nightmare that had plagued her over the last few months. (here, that was a metaphor. Because a nightmare is not a plague. Know your literary devices and apply them.)
She sighed in relief and laid back in her bed, rubbing her face with her hand. Now that the effects of the dream were wearing off, she longed for a few more minutes of sleep. Grunting, she reached for her phone. It was still eight in the morning, and classes started at nine, so maybe she could sneak a few more minutes. (that's how you show Hazel is a lazy person, but still make her much more relatable and less like a total sloth. Sorry for being harsh.)
Hazel was not a morning person. Every day she would wake up with her brown eyes puffy, and her dark, naturally wavy hair frizzy and wild and all over the place; it was obvious that her hair hated mornings as well.
She dragged herself from bed with difficulty and trudged her way into the bathroom. After taking a shower and brushing her teeth, Hazel started her morning ritual by blasting out some indie rock music and starting to get ready for the day ahead. (that's actually a normal morning ritual that you forfeited for the sake of scrolling on her phone.)
Hazel was more of a laid-back girl; her wardrobe consisted mostly of leather jackets, band t-shirts, and fishnet tights. She picked up a simple, white crop top and paired it with a faded, checkered shirt jacket and her favorite ripped jeans. After that, she went down to have some breakfast. (Not to be sarcastic or anything, but the 'Zipped her jeans' part draws a cringe-worthy mental image in my mind.)
The house was empty except for her, as usual. Hazel's mother was now a nurse in her hometown hospital, which meant she was not home very often. But Hazel was doing just fine by herself. (here, we used both showing and telling in a harmony. You would show that the house is empty which means her parents weren't home often, which means they have busy jobs. Then you tell what the job is actually, which applies some foreshadowing as to why her father wasn't mentioned. Then you show again that Hazel was actually quite independent, which could be good and badly affect her at the same time) She took her time, eating her cereal and scrolling through her Instagram feed. She knew she was late for school, and those preppy gym goers on Instagram made her feel a little bit bad about slugging around. But she did not care enough in the end, and besides, her best friend was coming to pick her up anyways.
Her morning was going just fine until a picture of a certain blonde popped up on her phone. She couldn't help the nostalgic feeling that invaded her heart, but she soon sighed and scrolled away, the nostalgia melting into bitterness. (that's all the mention we need here. Just a hint to drop some foreshadowing. And Hazel's reaction should feel more human-like that).'
You have another problem with how your words sometimes don't make sense. Like how Hazel realized they are a rich family from the doorknob. I think that's a detail we would all look past when there's a great manor standing before us. We won't look at the door knob, we would look at the house itself. 'She didn't strike them as a rich family' is supposed to be the opposite. 'They didn't strike her as a rich family.' And I think she only knows Ophelia and her brother at the moment, so it would make more sense if 'Ophelia didn't strike her as the kind of girl who came from a rich family, but the great and elegant stone house before her proved that wrong.'
Hazel not taking a single breath since she took off doesn't make sense, either. And the shadows bouncing off orange leaves, creating the illusion of fireflies. Fireflies glow in the dark, so I think it would make more sense if 'light' bounced off the leaves. And when you say orange leaves, we would think the leaves are that of orange trees, not that their color is orange. We use more convenient words, like amber leaves, or golden leaves. And so on. You just have to read your book and try to detect anything like that in the chapters.
The pacing of events doesn't have a problem. But the problem is your chapters are too crowded. I wouldn't mind the current pace if only you could give your characters time to process what actually happened. Jumping from one event to another in the same chapter without giving your characters proper reactions to everything makes it seem hurried and crowded. My advice is to take your time describing how your character feels about what just happened, confusion, fear, worry, and apprehension. Anything. Then break up your chapters. With the current word count you have, you should at least have thirty chapters. Your chapters are too lengthy, and then with the addition of the time you give to each character to analyze the situation they're in and to react properly to it, you should at least have forty chapters. Having that many chapters shouldn't be a problem at all. In fact, it will increase your reads and votes. Don't cram your chapters with such a huge word count. They become boring that way. There's a golden piece of advice here on wattpad that says to keep your chapters to a maximum of two to three thousand words, and always remember that your readers are reading on the go. If they want lengthy chapters, they would opt for real books on their bookshelves, not wattpad books.
Grammar:
Grammar is almost flawless, but almost, not quite. You have a few mistakes with the use of words and vocabulary. Like when you wrote 'accusingly glare'. Accusingly here is an adverb, and adverbs describe verbs and not nouns. It should be 'accusing glare'. Or when Ophelia 'nuzzled down her drink', you know that nuzzle has nothing to do with the mouth and everything to do with the nose, right? I suggest you use the help of a dictionary when you're not sure about a certain word. There are a few apps for those, like Oxford Dictionary and U Dictionary.
And there are a few cases of undetected mistakes on your side. You know, mistakes that you haven't detected when you were writing. It would be easy for you to spot those with some proofreading and editing. You can use an editor like Grammarly, but don't fully depend on those. They can be tricky sometimes. If you try your best to edit your book, I believe you will be able to do it. Since your mistakes are not consistent, you seem to know your grammar well, but not your vocabulary.
There are some instances where you couldn't stay consistent with the verb tenses. You see, you should never switch from past tense to present on any occasion, unless it's your characters' thoughts or dialogues. Always stay in the past tense, and try locating all your present tense sentences and correcting them to the past.
Punctuation:
Punctuation is something you really need to work on, especially periods; you have a lot fewer periods than you need. First off, when you have a complete sentence that comes after another complete sentence but with conjunction (conjunction meaning words like 'and, but, so, yet, etc...), you use a comma to separate the two sentences. If there's no conjunction, then use a period. If you think the two complete sentences are somewhat linked, a period feels off between them, yet at the same time you don't think a conjunction word would be a good idea, then use a semicolon. Don't underestimate the power of the apostrophe; it can completely change the meaning of a word, like (its and it's). If two of your characters are speaking to each other, put a comma before each name when they are calling each other. If they are mentioning someone, no need for the comma. If you're using (as) with the meaning (because), then use a comma before it. But if it means anything else other than (because), then don't use a comma or anything else for that matter. Let's take an excerpt from your first chapter, and you can compare what I write here to how you wrote it.
'Number one, the grass cannot be physically greener than 'its' neighbouring towns, as they shared the same sunlight and water system. And yes, it was a metaphor, but it was used in the wrong terms; the quote was to symbolise that something was better or more well off than something else, and Aramoor Academy was definitely not 'superior' to 'its' (networking, I didn't understand this one) colleges. They didn't even have a swimming pool, and the only award they'd ever won was decades ago when the football team got runner up for the Midwestern cup of ('02, didn't get this one either).'
Anyway, from this excerpt, you'll find many punctuation mistakes corrected, and many grammar mistakes too, where you switched from past to present.
And ellipses are three periods, no more no less. Like this...
Don't use fewer periods like.. Or more periods like..... It becomes wrong.
Reader's Enjoyment:
Your plot is great. When I first started reading it, I was genuinely interested and planned to actually finish the book. However, there are many things that hindered my enjoyment, especially the length of every chapter. Your chapters are too long, and what's worse, they feel more like fillers than chapters that actually serve the story, with too many unnecessary details and too many necessary details not mentioned. Instead of talking about how Hazel felt about the school's slogan, how about the more important thing at the moment; the nightmare. It wasn't long before I began feeling like I wanted to reach the end of the chapter already.
With nothing at stake, with your character's thoughts and emotions poorly portrayed, and with less foreshadowing and more telling, there's nothing to compel me to continue reading.
Don't get me wrong; I loved your plot, but not your book. And that's a great place to start. For instance, with all the advice I had given you in this review, you'd think my own book would be well executed, with vocabulary and grammar and punctuation and all. I might have some minor mistakes and things that I have looked past without noticing, but still, it could be good. But then you read it, and you still don't like it. But why? Because my plot could be not that much. So you see, what matters most is the plot, and you certainly have that. If your book is poorly executed but has a great plot, all you will need to do is to correct some mistakes, delete a few unnecessary scenes and details, and add a few more important details and scenes, and then tadda! You have a great book. But if it had a well executed dull plot, then you would have probably had to take it all down and start over. You're on the right path, just a little bit more effort and everything will be amazing. I promise.
Overall:
Alright, that seems like a little too much. I have overdone it, but I wanted to cover every point, which I couldn't, unfortunately. But I do hope that this review was helpful, and I do hope that I haven't come off as too harsh. I don't like to be biased in my reviews, and like I said, your book still has great potential. It's the execution that's lacking. With some polishing, your plot would shine through into a magnificent book. I wish you all the best.