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《Trilogy》The Greatest Villain of all Time

Client: samridhiwith1d

Reviewer: TheManofFiction

The Greatest Villain of all Time: Review for chapters 1-10

Chapter 1

Intro

The story begins with a captivating visual of the two boys meditating, and one being attacked by an invisible force, causing black liquid to gush from Biju's mouth. Instead of bombarding the reader with info previous to the story even beginning, you give us the courtesy to be thrown headfirst in this odd world with oodles to share. I also admire that you don't give us an immediate explanation behind Biju's sickness. You and I know that there's a level of vagueness that is needed, as that leads to the sense of mystery and novelty. All one needs to do is preserve and nourish it for as long as one needs to.

I've also noticed that the protagonist "regains consciousness" after he sees Biju dying out, so I assume it to be a "vision", or a break in the spiritual realm where he sees glimpses of what's occurring in the physical plane, that is, Biju's suffering. Because of this, I imagine the two characters floating in a sea of darkness, in between life and death. However, you mention them being in a river. Not a river in a place of darkness, but a regular river, giving us the belief that it's in the natural world. Since you added the saying "he regained consciousness" after mentioning the river, I do suggest going back and refurbishing what it is the protagonist saw around himself. Perhaps a dream-like reality? A sort of... limbo? Go wild.

Imagery

The imagery does require some improvement. I know this is an alternate version of India with hints of fantasy (as I see references to some magic system), however, what I see in my head doesn't share that sense of wonder. To be honest, throughout the chapter, I wasn't certain what to invision, especially when they got to the school.
This doesn't mean that a world must be over-the-top gorgeous just because there's magic. Your worldbuilding can be humble and down to earth. What matters is that we are convinced and understand what the author is trying to convey. Problem is, I'm not sure what you're imagining. You describe the school to be made of brick and mud. That's fair, but isn't it an elite academy where even the princess is attending to? A building can be made of those materials and look elegant, but describe the material alone and I imagine shoddy architecture. Mud and bricks aren't too flattering. The imagery when the trio of friends reach the town could also be revamped a little. Eyes are staring at them, but is it massively crowded? What are people doing? Are there shops, street vendors, animals? Are the animals or vendors carrying any exotic goods? You should use this opportunity to give us an immediate and enticing introduction to the unique culture of your world. Even if their culture is synonymous with India's, explain India's everyday culture in a way that would make me feel like I'm there, part of the experience.

However, you did take time into describing the doctor's office space, which is appreciated.

Wording and grammar

I suggest paying close attention to grammar, as there's some sections where a comma was needed, or a sentence that needed to be worded differently.
"There is no sign of movement on Biju's end making my palms clammy"
Perhaps it's just me, but I've read that as a run on sentence. A comma between "end" and "making" would make it more concise. But even then, that sentence sounds a bit wonky. I suggest playing with the placement of words and how to say the same sentence. Truthfully, that's how I sort things out - by how it sounds.
"River Amrit is located outside the town and that's why it took us a while to reach."
As a quick fix, I suggest playing a period after "town", and starting another sentence with "That's", creating "River Amrit is located outside the town. That's why it took us a while to reach it"