Had I known How to Save a Life

This Is The Hard Part

Chapter 10
*Meredith POV*

*A few weeks later*

Christina is leaving tomorrow. She's going back to Zurich. I can't make her stay even though I want her to.

"Ya know, I don't want to say goodbye tomorrow." She tells me sadly.

"Then don't. Don't say goodbye. Let's just say see you later." I tell her.

"That is much less depressing." She says. She walks off to go check on a patient and I go to find Derek.

I'm at 14 weeks now. And my hormones are raging out of control.

"I need you to come with me, it's urgent," I say to Derek.

"Of course. Something wrong?" He asks.

Once we get into the on call room I say, "I don't know it's these stupid pregnancy hormones that make me want to have sex all the time, urgently."

This same situation happened when I was pregnant with Bailey.

I start taking off my shirt and he takes off his pants.

Right as he gets on top, I feel a flutter. "Wait Derek stop." I says.

"Feel here, it feels like a flutter." I say.

I put Derek's hand over the area on my tummy where I feel the flutter. "I think that's our baby kicking." He says and smiles.

I begin to cry and I'm not sure if I'm mad, happy, or horny still.

"Mer what's wrong?" He asks concerned. His face is so hot when he's concerned.

"Our baby kicked for the first time. And I have you here." I say. I kiss him because I love him so much. We go back to where we were before the fluttering.

Of course the fluttering continues and it's hard to have sex when your baby kicks and it makes you cry. So we just lay there. With our hands on my tummy.

I have to go check on my patient Nicole. I had to remove her spleen a few weeks ago, that's a pretty big operation, so I check on her just to see how she's doing and because she's an athlete who lost her leg. For someone like her to lose a leg is like a surgeon losing their hand. So I get dressed and head off.

"What's up Dr. Grey? How's the little one?" She asks.

"Just checking up, and the little actually just kicked for the first time. But how are you doing?" I ask her.

"I don't know. I can't just stay in this bed. I'm already out for the rest of the softball season. I need to be able to run for cross country. Which also means I need to be able to train for it. They've shown me prosthetics but I'm scared that I won't be as good as I was." She says.

"This is the hard part. This is the fight. This is where you can't give up." I tell her.

"They never said it would be this hard. I was great once, actually I was more than great, I was the best once. Then this happened. And I can't even go to the bathroom without having some one help me out of bed." She says.

"You'll be great again. I've been where you are, I've been at rock bottom. And here's where I am now." I tell her, trying to reassure her.

"When I'm running or I'm in the game, everything around me disappears. Nothing else matters. All of my other problems that day, just go away. I don't want to lose all that."

"You're the first patient I've ever had that, after they go through hell, after they almost died on the operating table, says that they'll find a way back. That they will be great again. To me that sounds like determination. Just stick with it." I tell her.

"Something's are easier said than done huh?" She asks me.

"They always are." I tell her before I leave.

I meet back up with Christina, I really don't want her to leave again. Everything feels normal with her here.

"How's fetus doing?" She asks.

"Fetus actually getting for the first time while I was trying to have sex." I tell her.

"Talk about a cock block" she and I both laugh when she says this.

"I'm starving, I'm going to go to the cafeteria. Wanna come with?" I ask her.

"Sure." She responds.

I get a lot of food because I'm no longer eating for just myself.

"You know, pregnant women are actually lucky. They get to eat as much food as they want and not get judged."
Christina says.

"Yeah but we also get huge over a 9 month period. And squeeze a human out of a small hole in our bodies." I laugh.

We both get paged to the pit, Christina was eating an apple so she threw it out. But I'm still hungry so I bring food for the walk.

*At Night*

It's about 12:30 so Zola and Bailey are asleep. Derek and I are in bed feeling the baby kicks. Christina is in the living room I think.

I look into Derek's eyes and I get an emotion that consumes me. Before I know it we're making out. We both know where this is going to go and we both laugh. But right as I get on top, our tiny human kicks. "Whoa I felt that Meredith." Derek laughs.

Before anything goes any further Christina barges in. "Hey um, Derek can you get out?" She asks.

He laughs and does so.

"Hey what's up?" I ask.

"I can't go. I don't want to go back to Zurich, but I have to. I run the place. But here, this is..this is home." She begins to vent.

I don't want her to go. But we both know she has to. I begin to cry because whenever I feel any emotion, I cry.

"Mer don't cry. That gives me a reason not to go." She says.

"I can't help it, it's these damn hormones." I laugh, still crying. "Hey, this is the hard part. And this isn't goodbye. It's just see you later. Because we will see eachother later. Okay?" I try and help.

"Okay. This is the hard part and we're not even saying goodbye." She says.

She leaves and Derek comes back to bed. I fall asleep wrapped in his arms. I feel safe in his arms. Like nothing will hurt me or fetus. I cry again because I feel protected.