Had I known How to Save a Life

I Thought I Lost You

Chapter 29
*Meredith POV*

Dreams. Neurobiology tells us they occur in a stage of our sleep called rapid eye movement (REM). A person can have up to 7 dreams a night. Almost all are forgotten once you wake up. However, if you were to wake during REM, you're more likely to remember your dream. Studies show that a person is more like to awake during a nightmare. Nightmare's cause the emotion of horror or fear.

It's late and I'm exhausted. Zola thinks since Thanksgiving was 3 days ago we needed to put up Christmas decorations. So after a very long day, I had a very long night. I crawl into my bed about to melt away. I face towards Derek's side of the bed. I breath in the smell of his pillow, which smells like him. I close my eyes about fall asleep when he hops into bed. I fall asleep with him in my arms and he in mine.

I'm sitting on the couch, I stare at all the decorations Zola and I put around the house yesterday. Derek hasn't answered his phone all day. I'm kind of freaking out. He was going to give a lecture God knows where.

Every second that goes by and I don't know where he is, makes my heart beat a little bit harder. Screw it, I'm reporting him a missing person. I begin to pick up the phone and I begin to dial.

Red and blue lights pull into the drive way of my house. A police officer knocks on my door.

"Excuse me, ma'am, is this the home of Derek Shepherd?" He asks. My heart sinks into my stomach. He's either dead or dying or barely hanging on.

I stutter to answer. "Y-yes, I'm his wife."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid there's been an accident. I need you to come with me." He says.

"What about my children? I can't just leave them here." I ask.

I bring Zola and Bailey with me. And we sit in the back of the police car. I don't know what hospital we're going to.

"Sir, where are we going?" I ask.

"Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital." He answers.

Oh my God. It's okay. It's okay. Some of the best doctors on the face of the earth work there. He'll be okay.

We get there, Owen stands in the Pitt. The look on his face isn't good.

"Owen, talk to me. What the hell happened?" I immediately ask.

"Come inside first." He says. We walk in. I hold Bailey in my arms and Zola's hand.

"Nurse, I need you to take them to the daycare." Owen says. I hand her Bailey and Zola follows.

"Owen, what the hell happened to Derek?" I demand.

He takes me into a trauma room to talk. "Meredith, Derek was in a car accident. His car was hit by a semi-truck. The paramedics recognized him, so they brought him here. When Derek got here, his injuries. Th-they were catastrophic. We took him to CT immediately, but he started hemorrhaging. We di-" Owen says as I cut him off.

Derek is dead. He's about to say "We did everything we could but despite our best efforts he died." He's dead. He's gone. I've lost him.

"He's dead? Derek Christopher Shepherd, my husband, the father of my children. The love of my life. Is dead?" I ask.

"Yes. Meredith. Derek is dead." Owen says. I fall to the ground, hoping I might join Derek on the way down.

I wake up screaming Derek's names.

He's not here. "Derek?!" "Derek?!" I scream. I'm crying my eyes out. He's gone. Like actually gone.

Then he comes running in. Oh my God he's alive. He's alive.

"Meredith! I'm here! I'm here. What's wrong? Is there something wrong with the baby?" He says.

I'm crying my eyes out in his arms. "I-I had a-a dream that you died. Derek, I thought I lost you. I woke up and you weren't here and I thought I lost you."

"Hey, hey, Meredith. It's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Bailey woke up, and you were sleeping and I know that you barely get enough sleep as it is. So I went to put him back to sleep." He explains. I thought I lost him. That dream, it was so real. I thought that I lost him for real.

"It felt so real. Derek, I really thought I lost you." I tell him.

"I know. I know, and I promise you, I'm here. I'm alive. I'm okay. The kids are okay. You're okay. The baby is okay. We're all okay." He says to calm me down.

I don't go to sleep the rest of the night.

"Remember what I told you that time we were going to have 48 uninterrupted hours?" He asks me.

I nod yes.

"I told you, I wanted to marry you. And I did. I told you, I wanted to have kids with you. And I did. I told you, I wanted to grow old with you. And I am. I told you, I wanted to die when I'm 110 in your arms. And I will. I told you, I didn't want 48 uninterrupted hours, I want a lifetime. And Meredith Grey, I swear to God we are going to have a lifetime." Derek tells me.

I smile and kiss him. My heart rests. My brain calms down. And lie there in his arms.

People most commonly wake up during a nightmare because they're feeling an emotion of horror and fear. It's easier for the brain to back away from fear. It's funny, dreams are typically pleasant. But we forget them. Nightmares are typically horrifying. But we remember them.

Author note:

I feel like I need to explain this a little bit. I woke up at 1:27 AM with a crazy idea for a chapter and start writing. And it needed to happen right, it seriously couldn't wait till when I was supposed to wake up. Anyway, I really hope y'all like this one. I worked really hard on, like I did a good amount of research for this one on Google. And I hope y'all notice something about the opening monologue thing I have, I designed it similarly to the one from S11 E19 "Crazy Love", (this is the episode Derek left for the meeting). Anyway, hope y'all had a good night sleep!

~Erin :)