Had I known How to Save a Life

I Can't Lose You

Chapter 45
*Meredith POV*

When you almost lose someone you love, you never lost the fear that you had when you almost lost them. The chills that run down your spine, the way your heart was beating, the endless thoughts that ran through your head. The fear you feel when you almost lose the person you love the most never goes away. Deep down, it will always be there.

Derek left yesterday morning to give a lecture about brain mapping to the people who are took over it. It's been literally one week and a year since his accident. He actually brought Zola with him because she begged him. When Derek flies it makes me nervous, especially with Zola.

The bed feels empty without him. But he's flying back right now. Or at least he should be. I haven't heard from him since last night. We were on FaceTime.

I wake up Bailey, "Cmon' buddy, Mommy has to go to work. You have to go to daycare." I say in a fake kid voice.

I get Ellis up too. She is in a high chair eating Cheerios. Bailey has toast and juice. I run into my room to grab my phone quickly. As I lean over my bed, I hear Ellis cry and Bailey laugh. I grab my iPhone and run back into the kitchen where I see Ellis covered in Apple juice.

"Derek Bailey Shepherd, what the hell did you do?!" I yell.

"She thwew food at me. I thwow juice at her." He says.

"Bailey! She's an infant. She does weird stuff, you go along with it! You don't retaliate." I tell him.

"You threw a rock at Zola, she didn't throw one back." I add.

"Oops." Is all he has to say.

I get Ellis cleaned up. And put them both in the car. I call Derek on the way there. Voicemail. "Hey, I just wanted to see how you and Zo-Zo are doing. Call me back." I leave the message.

I get into the lounge and put on my scrubs. I have a surgery scheduled at 9. It's 7. Arizona, April, Bailey, and I have a huge surgery today. We're operating on an inoperable tumor.

We go onto rounds, Wilson is on Bailey's service. My resident is Edwards but she's just observing, not scrubbing in.

We get to the our patient. "Patrick James, 15 years old, has an inoperable tumor wrapped around multiple organs in the abdomen." Wilson says.

Time passes, before I go into surgery I ask Amelia if she's heard from Derek.

"I talked to him last night. I told him I had a case today I wanted him to scrub in on. But since he's not here yet, I guess his flight got delayed or whatever." She tells me.

I stand in the OR. Holding a scalpel in my hand. And I make the first cut. We're not sure where to start. With cases like these, we don't know what we're in for till we see what we're really up against.

Time passes as the surgery goes on. It's at least 2 PM now. We almost have the tumor. Everyone's making small talk but me. April talks about her babies names; James and Allison. Jo talks about hers.

Bailey is asking me a question. I can't comprehend what she's asking though. "Grey? Meredith? Dr. Grey!" She says.

I snap to attention, "Yeah?"