Had I known How to Save a Life

We Almost Had It All

Chapter 20
*Meredith POV*

When resecting a tumor, we have to look at the risk. Weigh the odds. We try and get the whole damn thing, but sometimes the risk outweighs the benefits. We go as far as we can, until it gets dangerous. Tumors are smart, sometimes we're smarter. Other times, we're left there thinking, "we almost had it all."

I stare at the patient's tumor. Then I look back up at Bailey and Maggie. This is one of the biggest tumors I've ever seen.

"H-how do we get to this?" Maggie says.

"I have no idea. This is way worse than what the CT showed." I say.

"I think I have an idea." Bailey says.

"We can start by...." Bailey continues on with her idea. It's a good idea. It's a long shot. But it's good.

"Do you think we'd be able to get it all?" Maggie says.

"It's our only shot." I say.

This tumor is wrapped around so much. It's bad. It's really bad.

"Th-this is intense. It's smart. I've never seen a tumor like this before. I mean I've seen worse. But never like this." Maggie says.

Our surgery goes on for several more hours. Ellis decided it was an appropriate time to begin to kick me like crazy. So that was such a pleasant touch. My feet are sore. My back hurts. I'm starving. Surgeries like these are the kind that remind me why I became a surgeon in the first place.

We've gotten about 85% of the tumor. But it's just hard to get all of it. It's wrapped around so much. Suddenly the cavity floods with blood. "What the hell happened?" I say.

"I-I don't know. Suction!" Maggie screams.

"I found it. I found it. It tore a small piece of the spleen. I can repair it." Bailey says.

"Guys, I don't know if we should continue. I mean this tumor is massive. And I think it's doing more harm than good." Maggie tells Bailey and I.

"But we're the lady's only shot. If we close there's no doubt the tumor will grow back. I mean chemo could shrink it but, it won't get rid of it." Bailey protests.

The monitor starts beeping like crazy. She's in v-fib. Maggie grabs the paddles and charges to 300. No change. She charges to 350. Almost something but no change. She charges again, to 360. "Sinus tach" I say.

"What do you guys think?" I say.

"We've done everything humanly possible. I-I don't know what else we can do. Taking it out is going to do more harm than good." Maggie says.

Bailey and I agree. "Dammit. We almost had it all." I says.

"We almost had it all." Both Bailey and Maggie say.

Today has been one hell of a day. We've been on our feet for hours. I need some food, first we need to go talk to the family.

Maggie and I go to talk to our patients husband. "Mr. Price, we unfortunately were not able to get the entire tumor. It would have done more damage continuing than leaving that remain but left. We almost had it all but there's other options we have. We can do chemo or in a few months we can go back in and try again." I tell him.

"Oh, okay. But she's okay right?" He asks.

"Yes, Mr. Price, your wife is stable in the ICU. We can take you to go see her." Maggie says.

I go off to get some food. I'm starving. I've barely eaten all day. I sit down in the attendings lounge and take a break.

Alex walks and says, "What's with you?"

"We almost had it all." I say, he probably knows I'm referring to a tumor.

"We were gonna have some drinks at my place you should come over." He tells me.

I look down at my pregnant belly then look at him. "Do you not see that I'm pregnant?" I say sarcastically.

"You can drink apple juice or something. Come on it'll be fun." He says. I guess I could go.

"What do I do with my kids?" Hoping that Sofia will be there.

"I'm sure Callie or Arizona will bring Sofia." He says.

Derek and I ride our Alex's house together Zola and Bailey are in the back seat. We pull up and get out of the car.

We don't knock or anything we kinda just walk in. Maggie is there, Arizona & Callie, and Jackson & April. Owen is on call so he's not here. There's boxes of pizza and beer. Alex wasn't kidding when he said I could have apple juice. Zola and Bailey are with Sofia in one of the other rooms.

We watch old surgery tapes and have a good time. It's nice to unwind after a long day like this.

Sometimes we can't get the whole thing. But we're lucky to get any. So, saying we almost had it all, isn't the worst thing that could happen. Sometimes life, like in the O.R., it leaves is wondering. Asking questions. Not knowing the answer. Maybe we aren't meant to know the answers. Maybe we're supposed to go in blind and hope we're doing it right.