Had I known How to Save a Life

I'm Ready

Chapter 34
*Meredith POV*

We say the words "I'm ready", when often, we are no way in hell ready to get back to what we want to do. After surgery, all patients just want to get out of the hospital and back to their normal lives. Surgeons don't like to wait to get back to work. We work when we're tired, hungry, sleep deprived, stressed, in pain, you name it.

I'm on maternity leave and Derek is on paternity leave. Ellis is 2 months old. My kids are driving me crazy. It's 4:13 AM. I'm awake. Derek is awake. We're both pretending to be asleep. We're both waiting for Ellis to start crying. Then she'll wake up Bailey. Bailey will wake up Zola. Then it'll all be hell. Christina is the only one who sleeps through everything 

"Derek?" I say.

"Meredith?" He responds.

"We're never having another one. The oven is closed. Okay?" I tell him.

"Okay. What about adopting?" He laughs.

"Not funny. My boobs hurt. She's not even awake and we are." I say.

"Everyone's asleep?" He asks.

"Derek, not happening." I tell him. I want to have sex. But with 3 kids and 2 other adults in the house, it's not happening.

"Christina leaves to go back to Zurich in a few days." I say. I wait for Derek's response but there isn't one. He's asleep. He's sleeping.

I wish I could sleep. I'm ready to get back to work. I need to get back to work. I close my eyes for 10 seconds and then I drift off.

Before I know it, the baby monitor goes off. "You're turn." I say to Derek.

"What if she's hungry?" He says.

"Get one of the bottles." I moan.

*April POV*

Today Jackson and I are getting another ultrasound. I'm 15 weeks and I'm really scared.

"Hey, everything will be okay. I promise." Jackson says.

"How do you know that? Last time we thought everything would be okay and it was anything but okay." I tell him as my voice breaks.

"Listen, I'm ready for this, if your not, then we don't have to do it today." He tells me.

"No, no, I'm ready." I say.

Our appointment is before rounds so we get ready. Jackson tells me about a surgery he did last week. A man's face was basically ripped off from a bear attack. That keeps my mind off everything.

We get to the appointment. "Hi I'm Dr. Aiden, I'm your OB." Dr. Aiden says.

He puts the gel on my small baby bump. My heart is racing. This is the room Stephanie Edwards realized my son had Osteogenesis Imperfecta.

Jackson holds my hand and I have a tight grip. We hear the heartbeat, it sounds a little different but it doesn't seem to concern the OB.

"Hmm...when was your last ultrasound?" He asks. This makes me even more nervous.

"Umm..mid January. So a few weeks ago." Jackson says. "Why?" He follows up.

My face has a concerned expression. Dr. Aiden can tell. "It's nothing to worry about, but this does change things."

"What changes things?" I ask quickly.

He faces the monitor towards us. "Take a look for yourself."

"Oh my God. Seriously? This is real right?" Jackson asks excitedly.

"We're having twins!" I say. Jackson holds my head and kisses me.

*Meredith POV*

Christina went to work. Amelia stayed home today to help Derek and I with the kids.

Zola walks up to me, "Mommy, am I going to have any more siblings?"

"Maybe. I don't know, honestly Zo, I hope not." I tell her.

"Good. I like sleep. My koala bear likes sleep. My little sister does not like sleep." She says.

I am so ready to get out of here. Derek falls down next to me on the couch.

"When can we go back to work? I'm ready. Are you ready?" I say.

"Of course I'm ready. But Ellis can't be in that daycare yet, she's too little." Derek tells me.

"What if we do half days. You work 6-12 PM, I work 12-6 PM" I say.

"That won't work, we need you to feed her." Derek says.

"I wonder what all we're missing there. All the gossip, all the drama." I laugh.

"You have Christina telling you all about the drama and gossip." Derek says.

"Not the same thing as actually witnessing it." I say.

Derek laughs. Ellis starts to cry again but Amelia calms her down. She brings Ellis to me once she stopped crying. She opens her little eyes and it's almost like I fall in love with her every time. I kiss the top her head.

"At least she's worth it." Derek whispers. I smile and kiss him too.

The day goes on and Christina gets back. "What'd I miss today?" I ask.

"Wilson and I did a valve replacement and she actually didn't kill the guy. Oh Maggie helped me with one of my conduits so that made my day easier." She says.

"How's Shane doing in Zurich?" I ask.

"I hope to God not burning down my hospital." Christina says and I laugh.

"I need to get back there. I'm ready. Like actually ready." I say.

"Yeah you keep telling yourself that, Mer."

I laugh, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have 3 kids. You almost died. Stay home for a few more weeks. Cuddle with your kids." She says.

"I need to to give me a reason to go back to Zurich." Christina begins, "I mean, came back here to see you and everyone else and to do some more work of my conduit kids. But I need a reason to go back." She says.

I have a thousand reasons why she should stay, but only one why she should go. "You love it here, but you love it there more. There is where you can excel far beyond what here can give you." I say.

"I wish that was a good enough reason." She says.

"Well, Shane could be destroying your hospital as we speak." I say.

"Yeah I definitely need to go back." Christina says.

We watch Zola play with Ellis and Bailey more and talk about Zurich and the hospital gossip there.

Sometimes we know we're not ready. But we want to be. We lie and we pretend. All the lying and fake readiness won't help you one bit when it all becomes real again.