Breaking Habits: Redemptions

Chapter 20: I Surrender

Solemn

Guilty

Faint

These different emotions Max feels so heavily in her soul, her head being laid on Susan's chest, honestly just needing someone to hug, someone to comfort her, someone to tell her that everything is okay and someone to just....hold her. She hates this feeling, but at the same time she knows it is a feeling she deserves, a feeling she needs to feel to let her know that this cannot happen again. Once, now twice...two occasions and each occasion has left her with this bitter feeling.

And she knows what it is.

"It's the same thing with Gabe." Max says quietly, her looking aimlessly ahead of her, her being curled up lightly on the bed while hugging herself a little. "I know he cheated but...I didn't do things right either. Lucas gave me attention and I liked it...in a way I was cheating." She mentions. "And now with Bryan....I'm just...."

Susan rubs Max's back softly. "You aren't that person that you think you are Max." Susan says. "But you do need to stop using other things to make you hide from your true feelings. This and Gabe has taught you that. So instead of hiding away, face it head on, that's the best advice I can give you."

Max nods her head. "He didn't deserve it mom."

"Then talk with him." Susan replies. "At a better time talk to him when you have a clear head, and let him know everything." Max nods her head, her closing her eyes softly. "But that's not the only reason you are feeling like this, and you know that Max."

Max opens her eyes slowly, her just looking aimlessly ahead of her. After a minute she goes to get up, going towards the door. "I'm going to shower and go to bed."

"Come to me if you can't sleep." Susan tells her.

Max nods her head, her going to go in her room and strip herself down, her going to turn the hot water. She stands there in the middle of the shower while her head is up, letting the water pour on her face.

She hugs herself, because she desperately wants to be hugged, to be comforted but not just from anyone, it can't be from just anyone. She craves a specific touch, specific soft words, a specific voice, a specific tone, all of the things that make this person...

Him.

And the more she stands alone in the shower the more depress she feels, the more desolate she feels, the more disheartened.

She is tired of the feeling and she wants it to go away desperately, she needs it to. So she grabs her razor, slowly and gently shaving every square inch of herself, feeling around, making sure she doesn't feel any stubble anywhere on her, she doesn't want it. She grabs her scrub, rubbing it around everywhere, once, twice, three times, a fourth time, feeling around her now smooth soft skin. She puts her shampoo and conditioner in her hair, scratching her scalp lightly and closing her eyes as she gets right under the shower head to wash it all out.

She grabs her scented body wash, the same scent she has always known, the same scent that she knows it is liked. She rubs it around herself, basking in it, bathing in it, soaking herself up in it, letting the bubbles and suds wash away down the drain, her taking a little breath while closing her eyes. She waits until every last drop of the hot water has turned to cold, her turning the water off.

Max gets out of the shower, going to slowly dry herself off. She blow dries her hair before combing it out and moisturizes her scalp and hair, going to put it in two braids that start at the scalp and go down to her middle back. She moisturizes all of her skin from the neck down, using her scented lotion and applying light baby oil on herself, going to brush her teeth and wash her face with her skincare after the fact.