Musings on Life from a Dead Girl

How Far We've Come/ Far to Go

My father didn't have heating until he was in his late twenties
When he moved in with my mother after their marriage
Until then my father didn't have lots of things many people would probably never even think of
A pillowcase
A door to his room
Chips
Salad dressing
Condiments
Casual snacks
Cable
He had parents that hit him
That told him how he felt
That told him his best was not enough
My father
My father who laughs nervously and makes jokes, plays the clown in times of stress
My father who held me when I first had to witness a child die
My father whose hands both comfort and terrify me
My father who will never take the last of anything
My father who would give you anything he had
My wonderful frightening father
My father who tells me he loves me
My father who loves me in the only way he knows how
In ways his father never could
He raised me with hugs and laughter but also pain and yelling
My father who wished for pickles for Christmas  because that was the only time his father could afford to buy them
My father who dripped with promise and still runs around our house blabbering on about his newest obsession
Be it a book or movie or comic
My father that took me to the library and showed me to the safe place he had made for himself between the pages of books
My father who never dared to deny me a milkshake
My father my scary, beautiful father
He with the crooked smile that he hides because he never had the money to fix his teeth
My father and his chocolate eyes and his TV in the kitchen
My father that dances when he's happy but never cries when he is broken
My father who reminds me so often of a little boy with bright eyes and earnest interests
My father who I'd give anything to change the way he grew up
To take away his pain and loneliness
My father
God knows I love my father
But some part of me rages at him
Never really at him though
At the life, he was given and in turn, gave me
I look back
I look back at his past
At his poverty and hunger
The small pleasures he made sure I never went without
I look back at his father
And his before him
And I see how hard he has worked to be better
To love me
To give me the things he never had
I look ahead to the future and I see my own husband
The father I will choose for my babies
I think of my father and the things I will carry on and leave behind
He has brought me to this place as his had
He had brought me farther
He has left less damage maybe...
We have come a long way but we still have far to go
Pacts to keep and vows to make
My father
My strong my kind my human infallible father