Musings on Life from a Dead Girl

I Cried Today

I cried at my desk today

I thought of the many patients I serve

I think of their sickness

I think of their pain

I think of myself yesterday, unable to afford the price of therapy in the Newyear, cutting my sessions from weekly to monthly

I think of the world we live in

I think of the cold

Of the hungry

And the alone

Tears fall down my face before I even have a chance to stop them

I want to take on these burdens

I want to heal the hurting

But I can't

I sit at this desk of mine putting in diagnosis codes so that corporations can make more money when I can't even afford to go to the doctor myself

My lungs burn 

They say it is bronchitis 

I take the medicine I couldn't afford.

 Try and budget it into the coming weeks 

I have no idea where this money is going to come from 

My car payment is due

My hospital bills for a surgery that saved my life are due

I cannot live without these bills

Bills I shouldn't owe

I think back to the patients whose faces I never have to see as I charge their insurances for the fees my providers seek

How many of them will go without because their child needed a shot

How many people are sitting outside right now in the cold while I work in the warmth

I am one of the lucky ones

I have a job

A home

Many do not and I know this yet still I feel the weight of the world crash around me for that $100 I didn't expect to spend

For the day I had to miss work and go to the ER because my boss thought I would faint

When did this world get so fucked up

Why am I sitting here in tears as I type-out a war cry that I know will never reach the light of day

None of this is fair

No one asked for this

If I could only take up the suffering in this world and give it to those with the power to change it maybe then we'd get somewhere

I am so tired

My lungs ache from the exercitation of crying

My throat stings from trying to muffle my sobs

I feel like I can't breathe and this time I don't know if it's the cold or if it is the stifling pressure of life itself bearing down on me

Lord knows all I want is to sleep

But I can't I have to get back to work know so that I can afford my medication