I settle myself into a scene in my mind
I outline plots and touch up holes in them
I try and tune out the world
The criticism and the pain
The regret and loneliness that seems to want to consume me this day
This works for a while Avalon and Ezra have always been good at keeping the real world abay that's why I created them, to begin with
This works pretty well until it happens a joke meant in good nature that rips my heart out of my chest
"You could have been my daughter-in-law."
She says it with a laugh.
I return it because I don't know what else to do to keep from crying
"___ is so good looking isn't he?"
My friend jokes later in the day.
I nod awkwardly trying not to be too emphatic
When just the thought of him makes me blush
My heart is in pieces
We watch the boy laugh in a video he made and sent to his mother
What strikes me is his deadpan humor and the laugh that sounds like fucking magic in the air
Later on, I listened to his mother tell us about how at church he always walked with his friends up to the alter so they never had to pray alone
I add Godly to the mental list I desperately try and fail not to keep of the things I like about him
Why can't I just get over him?
Why won't these feelings just go away?
I can't turn back time!
I can't go back, I can't
Why can't I stop wishing I could?
Dreaming of a life that will never exist
Why does this hurt so badly?
