Fate

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by MK_Weber

by MK_Weber

So, when I was little there was this boy, everyone including myself thought I would marry.
He lived across the dirt road in front of my grandmother.
The boy and I only ever exchanged words once.
He asked me to play but I was absolutely terrified of boys at this time and rejected him.
I still remember how sad and hurt he looked.
He never asked me to play with him again.
See what nobody knows is I have been in love with this boy ever since.
Even though I knew literally nothing about him.
Even though I wasn't curious about boys in the slightest.
Even though I couldn't tell you a single detail of his appearance.
There was something about the idea of this boy that I couldn't shake.
As we grew, I watched him in his yard.
As he drove past
scoured the neighborhood for glimpses of him.
Clung to his name in conversations.
As the years passed, I never grew the courage to go across the road to him.
And as the years went on talk of us together and what a perfect little couple we'd be together faded
I eventually stopped looking across the road at his house.
Then one day I got a job.
His mother gave it to me.
See the thing about small towns is that everyone knows everyone.
His family and mine go way back.
She gave me my job because of who my family is.
Now I work in a room filled with photos of him and his sister.
His mother is more of a mother to me than my own.
She takes care of me.
She tells me I am smart and beautiful and too good for this place.
I love that woman.
That's the thing about fate, I guess.
I see the life I could have had if I had gotten over myself and gone with him that day when we were kids.
His mother jokes about how everyone said we'd end up together.
How she should have forced him to play with me
Forced a friendship.
His mother doesn't know that I wish she had too.
Doesn't know that I needed a friend like him.
That every time his name comes up my heart pounds and regret flares in my chest
She says we were made for each other.
He is loud.
I am quiet.
He is messy.
I am clean.
He was a comic book video game nerd.
I was a comic book and book nerd.
She says I would be good for him and keep him straight.
That I would take care of him
And I would
Lord knows it.
I wouldn't have to call his parents to know how to handle his panic attacks.
I wouldn't let him miss doctor's appointments to work.
I'd make sure he was eating because the boy is fading away and I damn well know what skipping meals looks like
I wouldn't let him go on thinking he was worthless just because he couldn't give me things.
I'd be his partner.
I'd fight for him and stand beside him.
I see the boy often now.
He is married.
She is beautiful and shy.
She gave him babies.
I look at her and I hope she can't read my mind.
I am so envious it hurts.
I'd give anything to do my life over again.
I know that I am not supposed to question God.
That He has a plan
But I look at her and I see a life I could have had.
I see a family that actually wants me.
The more I learn about him the more I am convinced that I made a mistake somewhere.
His voice
I'd give anything to be the person he drones on to
Tells about his day.
Hear his music.
His voice, God his voice is so indescribably intoxicating, and I don't know why.
He has become what I'd never dare to dream of in a partner.
He is honest and kind.
He is funny and sweet.
He changes tires for old ladies in parking lots.
He works so hard, and he loves his family.
I look at him and I look at my life.
At how utterly alone I am, and I wonder if given the chance if he'd change anything.
That's the worst thing about fate.
To change my own would be to warp everyone else's.
I have so much regret sometimes it feels suffocating how can one choice I made when I was 7 defined my whole life it doesn't seem fair. But fate is fate. And maybe mine is more than just watching the boy I've loved from a distance. What will be will be.