I had that dream again, it's the one I've been having for years where I'm shooting my bow and every shot is perfect, right in the center of the target, of course it is. But somehow it's still not enough. And there's a huge crowd of people, totally silent, watching me. As each arrow flies, words echo through my head.
Worthless.
If you can't make that shot, you're worthless.
If you can't protect them then you're worthless.
If you aren't perfect then you're worthless, worthless, worthless.
Nothing.
And my eyes are blurring and the crowd is watching so intently, waiting, waiting for the moment I screw up and don't they understand why I had to quit, why I just couldn't do it?
No it wasn't about my health although I really wasn't doing well at all
It's just that this is what I've been working for my whole life
Everyone said I would win. Everyone said I was the best and I knew I was the best and yet what if they're wrong
I wasn't in the right headspace to know then and maybe I'll never be.
And they won't say it directly, they'll say it's okay you did your best and I'm so proud of you for going out there and being so brave but it'll only make me feel worse.
What if after all that work, those hours and hours and hours were wasted. What if I go out there and I try my very best and I'm still not good enough. What if I go out there and I just let everyone down.
Then I'm worthless.
Then I'm nothing.
