I really didn't believe Eleanor when they said they prefer me without makeup. Like duh, you're my girlfriend you're supposed to say that. But that didn't stop me from putting it on every day just like I have almost every day for probably a year and a half now. I know I say I feel ugly a lot of the time and it's true, I do but the logical part of my brain knows I'm not actually. I think I have kind of a nice jawline and blue eyes like Apollo and Will and I kinda like the color of my hair, I think it's kinda cool how it can look totally different depending on the lighting and season and the texture is okay too once I finally found the right brand of conditioner. And I actually really like my smile, sometimes people are surprised when I say I've never had braces but it's true, my teeth are perfectly straight. Even if I hate my thin straight lashes and I think my nose is too big and my face is too round and my freckles make me look younger than I am, Overall I think my face is okay. I wish I could say the same for the rest of me, I've always had a pretty strong upper body which I guess comes from doing archery since I was about 3. Not to mention the fact that it's in our genetics as half-gods to be strong, but I think I heard the stereotype enough in the media that girls aren't supposed to be strong enough that I started to believe it. That and the fact that I developed a little earlier than most of the other girls my age and I always pretty much felt like there was something wrong with my body when there really wasn't. Of course you weighed a little more than most girls your age, that's because you have more muscle mass, it's just science. Learning stuff like that has really helped. Another thing that has helped it that I want to be an EMT and they have to be strong to carry other people and medical equipment and stuff. Anyway, I used to be really uncomfortable when Eleanor would make comments about my body which I knew were supposed to be compliments but for some reason I didn't say anything, like I didn't want to admit I was insecure because it seemed like a dumb thing to be insecure about. I guess I don't mind them now, at least from them but from anyone else they still really bother me. When I was in the psychiatric ward in group therapy I mentioned having really bad body image and one girl said I should feel lucky because a lot of girls would kill for "those curves" which just made me feel worse. Body dysmorphia is weird because one day you think you're too skinny, the next day you think you're too fat and the next day you think you look pretty good actually, so you can never tell what's real and it's like even though there's a mirror right there and you can look at yourself at any time you feel like you don't really know what you look like. Remember that part in Heartstopper when Charlie looks at himself in the mirror and there's black swirls all around him? That's a pretty good visual representation of what I feel on a bad day which I've been having a lot of lately. What really triggers what I've been struggling with lately is the feelings of worthlessness, the feelings of being unwanted, and of not being good enough. It's like these voices are telling me those things so much they convince me I deserve to hurt. Like if I can't control my emotions then I need to control something else. If Will hadn't pushed me to talk to him I don't think I would've said anything to my therapist, at least not for a while. I wasn't really trying to hide it, all the signs were there if you looked: being extra tired, being cold, the headaches and brain fog. It's like I wanted someone to notice because saying it felt too much like attention seeking. I was kinda mad at myself for relapsing, because I really thought I promised I'd never let myself struggle with this. But I know I'll get through it like I have before. It's been getting a little better every day since I told him. I still haven't told Dad, which I feel really guilty about because I tell him almost everything but I really don't want him to worry about me more especially after the thing with the car. It's definitely not as bad as it was last fall. I'll be okay. But I'd be a lot more okay if I knew how to help Eleanor. I'm pretty sure they're depressed but I don't know what to do other than be there for her. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me what I need to do all the time to fix everything just like that.
