I told my therapist about Vinnie dying and also how I think it really messed Will up. It's a little surprising because I'd never heard them mention him before but also not really surprising. He's been pretty quiet since then and I wish I knew what was going on in his head. I can guess, anyway. We've lost people. It doesn't get easier, it really doesn't. I love him more than anything, enough that I know when to push him and when not to. Amber says that sometimes, like right now, what we really need is lots of hugs and time to process. I also told my therapist about how anxious I've been feeling lately. And like how some days I feel fine and others like today the negative thoughts and the self harm urges are so intense and I just want to shrink into a little ball and stay there forever and ever. I hate how I see things in black and white. Sometimes I'm just so happy I think nothing can possibly go wrong and others days I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes I put the people I love on the high pedestal and think they can't possibly do anything wrong and then they do one thing wrong and suddenly I hate them and think they're the worst person ever. I think part of maturing is realizing the people you love aren't perfect, and that's okay because neither are you and you're all still figuring things out. Amber says she's really proud of how much better current me is handling things compared to past me and I know she's right but I still wish I could stop feeling this way altogether. And I think I owe pretty much all of that to Eleanor. Speaking of Eleanor. I don't really know how they are, they don't really seem okay to me but I have no idea how to help them. Maybe I'm just overthinking again. I don't know how to just stop worrying about everything all the time.
