The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

V - The British are coming

Buttercup rolled out of the giant's hand. "Yes, indeed. Foul cretin!" she exclaimed, suddenly become sterotypically British. "Bloody wanker wants to do some right awful things to me, I do recall!"

"People in Britain don't actually talk like that," pointed out Main, who apparently decided to start making sense.

"Cease your speech, bloody bugger!" Buttercup cursed. "I shall smite thee!"

She drew her sword.

*

"But first, we shall have some tea," Gregory said, impersonating the girl's accent, and also trying to avoid conflict. He had already done enough smiting for one night.

"We don't have any tea," Main said dejectedly.

"What kind of buggers don't even have tea? That's utter bollocks!" Buttercup yelled. "Do you at least got yourself a fluffy white cat?"

Main glanced toward the bonfire, where his dinner was roasting a la spit fork.

*

"What's a white cat got to do with it?" Main asked curiously, going to eat his dinner off the hot fire, for he was fire-resistant as per the plot's demands.

"My tea is with the crumpets near the loo!" Buttercup British'd. "I oughta slug you, blimey chap!"

"Good show, jolly good," Gregory agreed, munching on the corpse of a snooty blonde.

*

Buttercup looked at the hunk of oily meat Main was tearing at. It appeared to have a pair of singed ears hanging from it. Main took another bite.

"It figures, you chav, that all major villains have white cats, but you're-" she gagged. "-you're eating one."

Main shrugged. "Oh. I totally didn't suspect that, I was fine with just eating human. Did I introduce you to Gregory yet?"

"I'm vegetarian, and no."

"You know, for the sake of character development, you should tell me about you tragic past." our suave Mr. Character said. "We need to get some common bonding experiences, and quickly."