The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

XXXIII - Cabins, woods, and storms : a guide the horror genre

Main squinted through the rain. "Surely Bevan's out of the river now," he said. "Can't we just pursue him on land?"

"We must stay on course!" Helena shouted over the storm. "This river empties out onto a thin stretch of sea, beyond it lies Blunderstinck's kingdom. If we get out of the river, we'll lose Bevan's trail!"

"Inconceivable! Let's just get out of the water and go around!"

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."  

*

The storm petered out, and Main stared at the water to his left. "What's that giant, red squiggly line?"

"Don't touch it!" Helena shouted. "We call them typos: they've been appearing more and more frequently of late. Entire armies have disappeared by riding into them."

Main drew his hand back, "Okay then."

The undead girl gestured to the shoreline ahead of them. "That's the coast of Flourin. We're lucky to arrive under the cover of darkness."

They docked the geese at a rickety wharf. Main shivered, pulling his jacket around him. 

"Is that a cabin up ahead?" he asked.  "It sounds like a cabin."

*

Helena peered ahead. Lightning flashed, illuminating a cabin on the outskirts of a dark wood. "Come on, let's shelter there for the night. Not that I need to -- being that I'm dead and all."

"It's not gonna be some scary old hag, is it?" Main asked warily. "Cabins, woods, and storms used in conjunction with another usually mean we've stepped into the horror genre."

"How should I know?" Helena sighed. "Come on. Let my gleaming orbs light the way!"

Main and Helena trekked their way through rain and mud, towards the cottage Main had heard. Helena thumped on the rotting door. 

"Trick or treat!" she said. "That oughta get their attention."  

*

No one answered the door.

"Hello?!" Main yelled, knocking furiously on the door. "Open up already!"

One by one, the candle-lit windows faded into blackness.

"This is ridiculous," Main protested. "No evil villain ever gets stood up!" He kicked a hole through the door. The hinges gave way, and it collapsed with a thud on the ground.  

Inside, the cottage was deserted, almost. A terrified, squealing piglet was huddled against the back wall. It wore a cape, and a black hat dotted with glowing stars.

"Mmm... dinner," Helena said, cornering the quivering piglet. "I call dibs on brains!"