The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

IX - "Inconceivable!"

"Fear not this night-"

She had just begun her song when a messenger pushed her out of the way. "News! News from beyond!" he shrieked. "Thugstown has been decimated by an unknown hero! We have been saved!"

Main blinked. "Thugstown? You mean that village burning in the distance? With the innocent villagers?"

"Murderers and villains all!" the messenger cried. He turned to the fallen bard. "You should compose a heroic sonnet, miss, and become a legendary songstress."

"Hmmhggpp!" Justin complained.

"Armmg." Shawn agreed.

It had been many hours since the fan girl attack. They had suffered the indignities of being gagged, trussed up, and carried to the camp a la hunter. The pre-teens had tied them to posts in the center of the camp, and then devoted their attention to Harry, leaving their egos bruised.

"Annfmm!" said Justin. The Canadian stars rolled their eyes. Then they closed their eyes, listening for any moose in the area. Any escape route was welcome. Moose would create a nice diversion too.

Loud struggles broke their concentration. Harry was being dragged towards the altar. His shirt was missing.

"Let the fan fiction commence!" their leader cried, thrusting a pen into the air.

They drew nearer, notebooks and laptops at the ready. "Adopted by one-direction," an enthusiastic fan began.

*

"Inconceivable!" Main shouted in his best Wallace Shawn impression.

"You're a hero, Main," Buttercup mocked.

The messenger spun on our beloved protagonist, eyes shining like light-bulbs. "You, good sir, have saved us all!"

"Curses!" Main cursed. "I never meant to be a hero! Now what do I do?!"

"Mmrppg!" Justin said to Shawn, who nodded.

"Aaanghh!" he agreed, and the two Canadians began to squirm against their binds.

But it was too late for poor Harry. The fabled fan-fiction recital had already begun. Already, he had been traumatized by the tales they read to him. He'd already turned three minors into his sex slaves, adopted twenty-eight girls with his four band mates, and had... intimate relations with Louis three times. Tears rolled down his cheeks. This was not his finest hour.

*

An evil idea sprang to mind. Main turned to the messenger. "Where is the most dangerous, conniving town now?"

"Ah, that would be the Fan Brigade," the messenger said. "If you're not a well known icon, you'll be torn to shreds. They write stories, read them to their captives, and then roast them alive. Helps to free their souls, apparently."

"Excellent," Main said, already planning to conscript them into his evil following. "Can you draw me a map?"