The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

XVI - "I love you Main!"

Main and Buttercup watched as the group departed fabulously. Main sighed in relief, looking over at Buttercup.

"Well, disaster avoided, I guess," Buttercup said, rising to her feet. "Thanks for letting me hide behind your massive girth, Gregory."

"That's racist, and I'm offended!" Gregory tumblr-ed.

Ignoring the troll, Buttercup asked: "Now what?"

Main shrugged. "We could always go crash the Senior's salsa party."

*

Buttercup took a second to apply thick black liner around her eyes. She brandished her tuning fork at him. "You suggest that again, and I'll redefine 'death metal,'" she retorted.

"You deserve to be pun-ished for that," Gregory said, using one of his surplus heads to char-grill the remaining corpses.

"Why don't we go for an evil walk on a devilish beach, where the sun gets swallowed gruesomely by the grim maw of the sea?" Main suggested. "And then we kiss."

She sighed, and impaled the fork in his hand. "Get lost. You're thirteen, and smell worse than a troll. No offence, Greg."

*

That's racist, and I'm offended!" Gregory internet-ed.

Main stared down at the tuning fork in his hand. Blood pulsed from the wound as he tried not to cry. "But the inconsistencies of the plot could make me twenty at any second! What about love?!"

"What love?" Buttercup asked bluntly. "Why don't we raid a bunch of villages and kidnap fair maidens?"

"That works for me," Main said.

"You'll let me eat them, right?" Gregory asked.

"Sure," Buttercup said, rolling her eyes.

*

The trio approached the nearest village. They were a strange spectacle; a three-meter troll piggybacking two scrawny humans. Buttercup sang idly as they (well, Gregory) walked. Main nursed his hand. In the growing darkness they spotted a mob with glowing torches, gathered on the outskirts of the village.

"That's him!" a shrill voice yelled. "That's him!"

The crowd ran towards them like an ill coordinated centipede. "Main! Main! Main!"

Main squinted at the shrill-voiced man. "Ugh. Is that the messenger from earlier?"

"My name's Bevan!!!" He pulled his shirt off, revealing a tattooed version of Main's face plastered over his chest. "I love you Main!"

Buttercup paused to scribble autographs for her adoring fans. "Maybe we should let them treat us. We have been working very hard."

Gregory yawned. "This town makes the best lager for miles around. I should know, I used to eat the unwary town drunks."

"And I can still try to kidnap a fair maiden, right?" Main asked.

*

Gregory nodded. "Yeah, sure. They have all sorts of bodacious babes in these parts."

"Great!" Main tumbled off Gregory and signed a few autographs. "We'll cater to the masses, then go enact our villainous deeds while they sleep in their beds, unawares! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say!"

"You're like a walking reference!" Buttercup exclaimed.

"And I take great pride in that."