The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

LI - Bad story morals

"Main, this is crazy," Helena insisted. "There has to be some other way."

"What other way?" he exploded. "I've never once lost a boss battle! I knocked out my biggest enemy in the book with a COMPASS, and my bumbling sidekick managed to kill my greatest nemesis!"

"There has to be something that could just... knock you out, or change your mind, or something!" Helena snapped. "Don't give up yet; we'll figure something out."

Main shook his head despondently. "I don't have an incredibly plot-convenient weakness. Death is the only option."

Helena gasped. "Main! That's it! Your plot-convenient weaknesses! What's something that's weakened you in the past we can randomly use as a tool to non-lethally debilitate you?!"

"Compasses?"

"No, you idiot!" Helena grinned. "Whiskey!"

*

"Isn't 'alcohol solves everything' kind of a bad story moral?" he asked.

"Do you want to save her or not?"

Main began rifling through stacks of library books.

"What are you looking for now?"

"Statistically, one of these books will have alcohol concealed inside it," he said, gestering to the massive ten story expanse of library books around them. "Oh, look - a map of the dungeons!" He tossed the book to Helena.

*

Helena sighed, catching the book. "Want me to help you look?"

"Well, standing there won't save Buttercup!"

"Yeah, yeah." Helena went to search the shelves. She pulled out the first book, opening it to a random page. "Hey! Here's something on time travel... And there's a convenient flask of whiskey hidden in the other half of the book too." She paused. "Do you ever think things go a little TOO well in this universe?"

"Of course not!" Main scoffed.

*

"Well that was easy enough." She skimmed through the ingredients list. "You'll also need the tears of a ghost, the caress of the lost, the sigh of a mountain, the bark of a cat, and an object linked to the day you want to travel to," Helena finished. "Oh, and whatever you take from the past, you must replace it with something from the future, so that the world doesn't explode."

"Where am I going to find this stuff?" Main wailed. 

"I believe I can help," a voice said. 

Main turned around. In front of him, covered in dirt, blood and oozing green slime, was Bevan.