The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

LIX - Because I'm Cravat Man

Main stared glumly at the Prince waltzing Buttercup around the ballroom. He slumped at the bar, feeling dejected; even the barman keeping his whisky glass full hadn't improved his mood.

"He actually told me that he was going to kill Buttercup!" he ranted to Greg, whose eyebrows raised in alarm. Main hadn't actually asked for the barman's name, but he was missing Gregory an awful lot, and as the troll was an ocean away,  he had christened the barman with the honour.

"When?" Replacement Greg gulped.

"When did he tell me? About seven years in the future," Main said matter-of-factly. He slammed his glass onto the bar, where it skittered off the edge, and shattered. Glasses were increasingly hard to hold now that he was down to six fingers.

Replacement Greg's eye (he'd lost an eye in the Emo-Pop Rebellion) rolled at his response. He poured Main another drink. "Come on, just look at the two of them, they look happy."

Main watched them and frowned. She was smiling. An awful lot. Buttercup's other father, a brooding man, who had introduced himself as 'Cravat Man', cut in, to waltz Buttercup around the room. 

*

The bartender patted Main's shoulder with the hand that didn't grip the bottleneck of some wine. "You need some water, kiddo? Hang on, are you even old enough to drink?"

"I don't even know," groaned Main, resting his cheek in his hand. "This whole time-travel thing has me confused about how old I am in current canon. I'm either thirteen or twenty. Or both. Besides, this fictional universe probably doesn't operate on normal drinking laws. And even if it did, whose drinking laws does it operate on? The two writers come from different countries!"

"Whoa there, lad," the bartender interrupted. "You're starting to tear down the fourth wall. We just had that repaired."

"Ah, let it collapse!" Main shouted, shattering another glass on the counter for emphasis. "I miss Greg. And...whatever happened to Bevan? I miss having a slave."

"There, there," the Replacement Greg said sympathetically. "In Flourin, alcohol has a height restriction anyway. Only the other Kingdoms enforce an age limit."