The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

LXXII - Tales and Legends

Buttercup looked around in bewilderment. "Main?"

"We've got to resolve this McGuffin plot development, Buttercup." he said. "We're practically star-crossed lovers, so we owe it to the universe to give this a shot."

"Hang on, did you just call me a McGuffin?" Buttercup asked. "I'm not just some object for you to quest after. Besides, the universe has gained other relationships." She pointed Main towards his crew. "Look, Helena and Greg got reunited, they're a very nice couple. And Bevan and that sparkly pig seem to be hitting it off nicely."

"That's not the point though," Main said. "Aren't I good-looking enough?"

*

"You're very attractive these days," Buttercup admitted. "But I'm afraid you'll interpret this one moment as confirmation of my undying love."

"Can't co-stars just kiss for fan service?" he asked. "We're professionals here."

"Fine," Buttercup said, "but if you bring this moment up again, I'll smite you."

"Done!" Main agreed.

Tentatively, he pushed a strand of her lilac hair behind her ear. Buttercup rested her hands on his waist. 

"Ready?" she asked.

*

They kissed. 

Main waited for his passion and desire to kick in, and for the romantic music to swell over their first kiss. He waited for his life's purpose to reactivate, imagining the dramatic silhouette they'd make against the sunset in the tales and legends that arose from this moment. He waited. 

Instead, all he noticed was the texture of her chapped lips under her cherry chap stick. Maybe they weren't doing this right. He wondered who had taught Buttercup how to kiss.

*

"You're not half bad, you know," Buttercup said, drawing away.

Main didn't feel anything. Where was the spark? He was a water-logged submarine, and the world was the crushing water pressure of Mariana's trench. Why didn't he feel anything? What had gone wrong? 

"Main, are you okay?" she asked.

"I- I" he spluttered. "I-I. It's not possible!  Buttercup, I-I don't think I like you."