The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

XI - "You're an ACTUAL girl! You do it!"

"Nonsense! I don't have the booty to pull off a woman's figure!" Main insisted. He watched as the fan-sentry tapped her spear on the ground in a steady rhythm; pounding out the beat of "Boyfriend."

"Just wear the clothes!" Buttercup hissed.

"What? But you're an ACTUAL girl! You do it!"

Buttercup suddenly remembered she was female. "Fine! Then I'll wear the sacred clothes! You distract her while I smite!"

*

Main looked at the fan-girl's attire. A horn was fastened to her hip. What could he do to keep her from blowing it? He started searching the ground for a pebble, a plunger, and a loudspeaker system.

There was a THUMP. Main looked up, the sentry had a tuning fork lodged between her eyes.

Helena leaned into the kiss.

"I'm not really the real Harry Styles!" Harry pleaded. "I'm a giant, or a troll, or something!"

Her eyes narrowed. "What did you say?"

"My name's Gregory," he confessed. "I can't sing, or play guitar. Normally I eat girls like you for breakfast."

She slapped him, and barked: "Kill the impersonator."

"You can do anything to me, but please, don't bury me, or them: I'm extremely claustrophobic."

"Mmmmphh!!!" Justin said. "Mmmmph!"

Helena sighed. "You're all fakes, aren't you?"

*

"Consider yourself smited!" Buttercup victory'd, as the sentry's body fell to the ground. "Fear me, for I am the fighting bard!"

"Well, I guess we don't have to worry about a distraction now. Go change," Main ordered.

"In front of you? Ew, no. Go stand in the forest and close your eyes and don't come out until I say so."

Main nodded in understanding, sighed, and went to the forest to wait while Buttercup put on the sentry's clothes.

"Mmmph!" Shawn Canadian'd.

Justin shook his head vigorously.

"Bury them all!" Helena demanded. "Or I shall offer their blood as a sacrifice to Slenderman!"