The misadventures of a Main Character [Complete]

XLIV - For the sake of comedy!

"Well, sucks to your wings!" Helena snapped. "Guess you're another under-developed villain."

The flamingo captain glared at the zombie fangirl.  'I don't suggest irking us, girl!' he tweeted. Then he put his smart phone away and addressed Helena:

"You! You know who you remind me of? My cousin Lucinda! She's very obnoxious and thinks she's cool because her hashtag #LoveLucy is trending on Twitter right now! And you, you are just like her!"

"How do you even use Twitter without opposable thumbs?" Main mumbled.

"Shut up! It's for the sake of comedy!"

*

The pair were escorted to the dungeon, where a burly human guard greeted them. Painted in blood, 'The Zoo of Death' was splattered across the wall.

 "Why aren't they bagged, Captain?" the guard asked irritably, pushing her auburn hair behind her ear.

"You know why," the captain responded. He double-took. "Wait, you're a woman?"

"My name is Mindy," she scowled. 

"But... but you're a guard!"

"Do you have a pronoun reading problem?" she asked.

The flamingo regarded her dubiously.

She scowled again. "Oh boo hoo, so I don't fit your fantasy-genre gender roles. Of course I'm a woman! Do men have chests like this?" She pushed her own chest out for emphasis.

Main stared. He glanced down at his own chest for reference. "No-" he pointed out,  wiping the drool from his face.

"Look prisoner, I appreciate your intellect. But if you so much as glance at me like that again, I'll make you swallow your testicles. We clear?" She slapped a bag over his head. "He's been waiting for this for a long time, you scum. But I don't pity you, you deserve everything that you get."

Blinded by burlap sack and shackled, Main and Helena began the hazardous trek down the staircases of the dungeon.