In Darkness and In Light

State lines.

She's pregnant... We are pregnant? It's my baby.

We are pregnant.

"I- how?" I asked looking at her as questions flew into my mind.

"Well it usually happens when you don't wear a condom. So you ask me?" She turned the question.

My caring side kicked in as I got her a blanket and draped it over her.

She's pregnant... With my baby.

"I- I don't know. I-" My mind fired back memories of this room. "Your birthday."

Her eyes closed "Why? Why would you not wear one? How could I not tell the difference?" She asked.

"It wasn't planned, it all happened so quick. I was eating you o-"

"Okay." She interrupted stopping me.

"Oh god.." I spoke stepping back before pacing the room. "Why did you leave? We can sort this though?! Yeah? I mean we still got time."

Her eyes opened to pure hatred "I. Would rather die for eternity than have someone destroy a baby in my stomach. You caused this.. You made a choice that day, night whenever the fuck it was. Now I'm dealing with it. I left so you could get on with your life. So get on with it and leave me alone."

I never meant what she interpreted, now it was going to be even harder to talk to her.

She rolled over in the bed facing away from me. "What do you mean? We- you can't bring up a baby?!"

"Why?! Why can't I?! I told you Zak! Fuck the show! Fire me right now! I told Dan what was happening! Transfer or resignation!"

"Because it's my choice too!" I argued.

"Oh fuck off! Don't come in here and think you can take claim to MY baby."

"It's OUR baby." I reminded her.

"There is no US. So no. It's MY baby. MY life! MY decision and MY rules!"

"You can't just cut me off like that! I have rights too!" I fired back.

"Tell me them then?" She asked sitting up.

I looked at her trying to think of something but I had nothing. "You don't have a leg to stand on. Right now? I'm running this shit and if I wanted to take myself out this country or fly half way across the world away from you... Then I will."

"How am I the bad party in this?! You set it up! How was I suppose to know you're pregnant?! All I got was a negative test and a note! That was it, don't play the victim when you left me! I waited! I've waited a month, for you to come back and when I finally find you I get 'I shouldn't be here?!' Are you fucking kidding me Robyn?" I asked.

"It's better off this way." She mumbled.

I went over grabbing her hand to make her look at me and not roll over again "How? Tell me how any of this is better?"

"You get your life back.." She whispered.

"My life is with you and if you can't see that then I'll shake it into you. Damn it Robyn."

"But it's not just me anymore Zak! I'm having a baby. There is a baby growing in my stomach, you lost your shit over Harmony. You were terrified and the more I look in your eyes the more I see the man who was scared stiff when you were first told in your kitchen."

"I think I'm allowed to be shocked!"

"Yeah. Yeah you are. But you're also allowed to walk away. I'm giving you the chance to do it now. Really, I can do this."

"Why would you want to?" I asked her confused.

"Because I had no parents, I bounced home from home. I know what it feels to be unloved and a burden. I won't be that on you. I won't let my baby be that either. I will love like I have never loved before when this miracle is born. I will do everything and I will fight any obstacle that faces us. Because I want to be the parent I never had. I need to be the parent I never had."

I could sense that she had had time to think about this.

"What about us? You took off and left me Robyn. That hurt." I admitted.

"And you think walking away from you that day didn't hurt? That hiding this didn't hurt? Seeing you run into the offices trying to find me didn't hurt?"

"You saw me?"

"Yeah.."

"I was giving you space because I thought you were mad. I never thought you were gonna bail on me, on the crew. On your family."

"I don't have a family Zak. This is why this is important." She said placing her hand on her tummy.

"You have always had a family from the second you walked through that office door."

"Maybe I have.. But families also get strained. I can't have anyone or anything stopping this. I'm not going back to Vegas. I'm staying here, Joe has sa-"

"OH FUCK HIM!" I shouted moving away from her to pace the room again. "Who is he anyway?! Your new boyfriend?! Cause I'll tell you what? He's not raising my kid!"

"Stop trying to measure your dick. He's a-"

"Don't fucking tell me he's just a friend. Do I look like an idiot?!"

"RIGHT NOW? YES! YOU LOOK LIKE A IDIOT!" She shouted back before throwing herself back down on the bed.

"Joe owns the house.. He's my landlord. Okay?" She said looking up at me.

"No! No not okay!"

"Whatever Zak. Just go home, I'm tired. You've seen me, you know, now leave."

I watched her curl up into a ball and close her eyes trying to settle into sleep.

"You've had a month to accept this. I've had an hour. Please don't write me out of your life." I spoke looking down at her.

"Goodbye Zak." She whispered as a tear rolled over the bridge of her nose.

"Robyn.." I wanted to touch her, hold her body against mine and kiss her temple but I was scared. Scared that if I touched her she would break.

I was scared to be a parent, a father. What do you do?! I am unqualif-

"Walk away now. I swear it will only hurt until the state line. You'll thank me."

I nodded and slowly removed myself from the cottage. Sitting in my car my breaths were shallow, uneven and struggled.

Until I let lose.

Yelling as well as screaming as I hit and pulled at the steering wheel.  I kept going until I ran out of oxygen.

I kept going until my hands hurt and head throbbed. I kept going until my heart broke in my chest.

'I swear it will only hurt until the state line.'

"You selfish fucking bitch! You selfish bitch!" I screamed at the cottage before starting up the car and wheel spinning out of there.

Just get me to the state line..