In Darkness and In Light

No time limits for this.

I laid awake in the bed listening to Zak sleeping beside me. My eyes were glued to the window and eventually as the sun came up, I got up and took a shower.

I scrubbed every inch of my body twice over before finally feeling clean enough to step out and change. Putting my hair up in a pony tail, I looked at the locked bathroom door feeling an unsettled feeling in my stomach.

I closed my eyes stood at the basin and pushed it deep down into my body before opening my eyes and checking my appearance before leaving the bathroom.

I hadn't been able to change in front of Zak.. I couldn't bare the idea of that yet.

Seeing that he was still awake I slipped out the bedroom and closed the door behind me.

Letting Gracie out into the garden for her morning bathroom break, I stood at the door nursing tea that I had no real intention of drinking.

Checking the time I eventually settled that I had to go. Putting the tea down, I picked up my bag and grabbed my car keys before heading out.

Today was answers day. A day I hoped and dreaded. I felt nervous, sick and worried all at the same time as I drove away from the house and headed out of the private community.

The drive over seemed to finish quicker than I had hoped and debated on driving around again until I built the courage to park the car. My inner argument won as I put the car into the carpark.

That's it.. Now you gotta get out.

I can't.

You can. After three... One... Two... Three!

You were suppose to get out.

Oh shut up.

I shook my head at my own dialogue and looked at the building, small flowers had been potted outside to make it look friendly enough, but being here wasn't a friendly visit, or even a wanted visit.

But I knew I needed to be here so with a few more minutes I got out and practised deep breathing as I headed in.

Holding my medical flower, I stepped into the pale blue waiting room after checking in. Sitting down in a cold plastic seat, I looked around at the posters littering the walls with information. All designed to grab your attention and make you read. But one that caught my eye also caused a pang of guilt and upset within me.

A blue eyes baby sat on the poster in a diaper smiling, all whilst illnesses were listed around it, along with the main symptoms to look out for and vaccinations available.

My eyes began scrutinising the baby, picking apart the blonde hair as I imagined with my genes and Zak's that our baby would have had dark hair. The blue eyes would have been brown or maybe as I hoped for, the Autumn hazel Zak had.

Our baby would look like Zak, chubby, cute and brand fucking new to this world. And I would protect it with every single breath in my body like a lioness and her cub.

A tear built up and threatened to spill when a woman came in pushing a pushchair with a baby inside.

My heart tire and stomach twisted hearing it's cries. The mother too busy typing away on her phone to actually pay attention.

I folded my arms gripping at my clothes to refrain myself from slapping the phone clean out her hand as her little baby girl bellowed her lungs out for attention. For a cuddle, for a little love.

"Will you just stop crying?" She asked looking up. To stop she pushed a pacifier in her little mouth and went back to her phone.