(2) Self Harm, Depression & The Janoskians

Chapter 1

(5 months later from previously)

Aprils POV

Five months, it had been five whole months since that night in the café. Since my whole life seemed to have crashed down again.

As soon as those words slipped from his mouth, it had all ended.

My self harming had become massively bigger, I was doing it every other day, not that Lindsay knew. I mean, she worked most of the time anyway.

Not that Luke knew either, he had left only two days after telling me, that's what hurt the most, after that night I was so shocked I locked myself away and by the time I wanted to see him, he was on a plane on his way to LA.

It took me, 3 months to make contact with him, he understood why I hadn't called. I was broken, let alone angry that it had been planned for months and he hadn't told me, none of them had.

I missed them all so much, Jai and I had been speaking the most. He told me to get myself a job and save up so I could get a one way ticket out there and stay with them in their house for a few months.

I jumped at the opportunity of course, anything to get me to see them again is enough for me, I had gotten a small job actually at the café Luke had taken me to that night, it's always hard at work looking at the table we were at.

Five months to me was a long time, five whole months, with no hugs, no face to face contact, no kisses, nothing of the sort.

The amount of times Luke had said sorry to me after the news was immense, but I couldn't accept an apology because that was their job, to travel and meet new fans and enjoy their fame, it was just the shock of them actually living in another country to me.

Jai had explained they had got a house out there, enough room for me to come and stay with them too, but obviously not for too long. He had also said they weren't living there forever, they were coming back for Christmas and things, and would eventually move back after all their job opportunities out there were finished with.

I was at work at the moment, all the thoughts rushing back into my mind as I cleaned the table, our table. I just remembered my feelings after, the way I couldn't speak because my mouth was dry and my throat had enclosed, the way that my palms started to sweat and I got up and ran out, I remember getting home and all of the rain had got me soaked, I had also endless amounts of missed calls from Luke, and I woke up with more from the rest of them.

I was lost without them here, I always just imagine when I wake up and roll over Luke will be laying there with his bare chest and his tattoos, breathing steadily, he will wake up and kiss me, and tell me he loves me. Now the only 'I love you' I get is over text or the occasional phone call when he isn't to busy.

"April." Someone snapped me out of my gaze, it was my boss, Edna.

"Uhm-yes?" I asked as she frowned.

"You look awfully pale April, why don't you head on home now, love."

I shook my head, "I can't. I need this money Edna, I really do. I can't afford to loose any wages, I already missed some last week."

She sighed, "April, you look sick, I want you to go home and get yourself a doctors appointment, I'll let you off and pay you full wages, only because you've stayed extra hours anyway this week."

I grunted, "Are you sure?"

Nodding, she smiled at me. "Defiantly. Now go, before you pass out or something."

I chuckled, "Thank you Edna, see you Friday." I said.

"Bye now, love."

• • • •

I got home and had a bath, my mind slightly felt at ease now I was home early and I could relax.

I thought about what Edna had asked me to do, which was get a doctors appointment. I didn't want to at first, but I didn't see why it would be a bad thing, I needed to hopefully get some more pills for my depression and sleep problems anyway.

So after my bath, I sat on the edge of my bed with my phone in my hand, my towel still wrapped around me.

I dialled the number, and clenched my eyes, thinking hard about it. I sighed and locked my phone. I didn't want to go to the doctors, because I didn't want to face reality, they'll tell me I've gotten worse, because I know that I have.

A small knock on my door caught my ears, "Come in." I said as I crossed my arms over my chest, making sure to cover my arms.

Lindsay walked in and frowned, "I saw you're home from work early, you okay?"

I nodded, "Edna told me to come home, she said I looked unwell."

"Alright, well I've just been to the bank. You've nearly got enough for that plane ticket."

I smiled, "That's good. I think I'll work some more anyway, I want spending money and I'll have help towards food and stuff."

Nodding she replied, "That's a good idea, love." She stared at me for a while before blurting, "You do look slightly pale, are you okay?"

"Yes, yes I'm fine honestly."

"No you're not. You're missing them aren't you?"

I felt my eyes spike with tears already, my lip slightly trembling. "It's been five months Lindsay, what if Luke doesn't like me anymore, what if they don't want me to even go out there. I mean next month it would have been technically half a year since I've seem them."

"Don't be stupid. Luke loves you, so do the others. They've all been excited about it, you know they have... Let's go to Gina's tonight, have some food, you haven't been there for a while with me."

"Alright, thank you."

• • • •

My phone vibrated and my heart fluttered when I saw it was Luke, I automatically swiped it open my heart pounding.

"Hello," He spoke as his voice was music to my ears.

"Hello."

"How are you?"

"Alright, you?"

"I'm good, just finished working. Got a premiere to go to later, but I'm not busy now, so I thought i'd call you."

"Oh, okay. Have fun tonight."

"April, you sound down, what's the matter."

"Nothing, I just miss you." I sighed.

"I miss you too."

"No you don't, not half as much as me." I laughed bluntly. "I'm sorry, but you have all the boys there, I have nobody, you probably will forget about me soon."

"April," He grunted. "What have I told you about speaking like this? I still love you and I miss you so much, I want to still be with you,"

I sniffed not letting any tears out, "Have you got enough money to come here yet?"

"No, I have nearly though."

"Right, see we will be together soon."

"It's been five months, you're living the dream. You won't care if I come or not."

I didn't mean to be rude to him, but nobody understands how much it kills me, to be away from him.

"I do care, that's why I'm excited about it. Stop being silly April. I love you so much."

I mumbled before saying, "I love you too." Then tears fell from my eyes.