(2) Self Harm, Depression & The Janoskians

Chapter 35

Nora sent me a small smile walking in the next day, I examined her freshly carved face. I sent one back but kept thinking about her marks. "Morning." She said as she sat beside me.I gazed away from her face at hope she wouldn't clock that I was staring.

The session started and finished quickly. We spoke among partners and how we felt about our situations.

After Nora and I spoke and she ended up happily telling me about her face and that she claws her face up as she can't cut I'm hospital as they always find her razors. I tried to imagine if I had to be in hospital and how horrible it must be. I would surely be terrified but Nora seems unfazed by it all.

"Is it scary?"

"No, they treat me alright."

"That's good."

"They haven't helped though. I still want to die." She shrugged, not seeming untouched by her words.

"You're a nice girl," I told her. "You deserve to live."

She gently smiled. "It's not about deserving the chance to life, it's whether or not you actually want it."

Her words were perfectly right. We all deserve to live, minus the brutally awful human beings out there who only cause pain and suffering to others. But even then, I wish death upon nobody. But whether you want to live is a completely different end of the spectrum.

"Do you want to live?" Nora asked.

I shrug. "I don't know. Everyone thinks I do, but deep down, I don't think so."

"But you live with the boys?"

"They make me happy. But that doesn't change what's happened to me in the past that's made me this way."

She nods in understanding. "One day, I'll be happy. One day all this pain will be gone. Dead or not. This will stop," She pauses and looks at me. "The same for you."

"I know." I say, I feel her hand wrap into mine and I look back up after examining it.

"Thank you. You make me happy, regardless how long I have known you."

"The same back."

"Can you come and see me in hospital tomorrow?" She asks.

I nod "Of course." And her smile grows a thousand times bigger.

• • • •

That evening I had kept away from Luke all day. Anger and frustration clearly still in my system, I was upset about Luke's way of handling situations last night. He stuck up for Alexa in a way and brushed her harsh comments to me under the carpet. I understand I was rude to her also, but I didn't care as she clearly deserves it.

I wandered down to the bathroom and gripped the handle and to my luck it was locked. I sighed and rest against the wall and waited.

The door opened not long after and Luke strolled out. A towel wrapped around his waist and one on his shoulders as he rub it on his wet hair to dry it. "Alright?" He said sending me a small smile. I couldn't let the scene in front of me, make me less angry.

I looked down and ignored him. Walking past him and shutting the bathroom door. I jumped in the shower and rest my head against the glass. I don't know what to think. My trust in Luke seemed to be going.

I let the hot water rush over my body. I felt like I could stand here forever and not move. I thought about endless rubbish for a long period of time. My suspicions about Luke were growing inside me. Maybe I should just confront Alexa and ask her myself. Would that be the best idea?

After my enduring and time consuming shower had ended I got out and changed into pyjamas I walked downstairs and joined the boys for dinner.

Luke kept his hand on my thigh for the whole of dinner and I didn't know how to feel. I love him more than anything in the world and I should fully trust him but should I let my suspicions get the best of me?

I finished eating and sat outside and was soon followed by Luke. "What's the matter?" He asked while sitting beside me. "You've been quiet all day. Has someone upset you?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Then what?"

"I'm still pissed off about last night."

"I'm sorry, April." He defended.

"I'm still angry."

"Why?"

"One, Alexa pisses me off so much. Two, you acted and treated me stupidly. I'm your girlfriend and you didn't even defend me."

"I know, Alexa's difficult. I'm sorry, April."

I sighed. "Whatever."

"Do you trust me?" He asked and I replied with a shrug. I honestly wasn't a hundred percent sure. I know I should trust him, but something seems off.

"Fuck." He groaned and ran his hands over his face. "I need you to trust me."

"Well it's a bit hard when you've got that annoying fucking thing attached to you whenever she is around."

"Do you think there is something going on between me and Alexa?"

I shrugged. "No, not now atleast."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. You tell me, she's fucking annoying. It's obvious she likes you. Jesus! How is it not obvious. She tried kissing you and she's a total bitch to me!"

"She doesn't know that I'm dating..." He tries defending her flirting.

"Here we go, it's not her fault! She doesn't know were together! I don't care! Maybe when she tried kissing you the first time, you should have told her!" I hollered. "I mean damn, how am I supposed to even trust that you didn't kiss her?"

"What?" He says quickly, an emotion flushes in his features which I'm not sure of.

"I don't know. Maybe you did kiss her? Maybe you kiss her all the time! It wouldn't fucking surprise me!" I know I'm being too harsh. But my conscience is telling me something isn't up.

"Well, if that's what you think, then I guess we are done."

"What?" I breathe.

"You're implying I've cheated, basically. So, we are done." He says calmly.

"You've been waiting for this haven't you?"

"Obviously." He says sarcastically.

"Fuck off, I'm going to find that fucking idiot and ask her myself!" Just as I walk away, Luke chases me into the house and into the living room where all the boys are seated.

Luke grabs my arm and spins me around. "April, please." All eyes are on us.

I see his eyes tear up and his cheeks go slightly red. His lip slightly is trembling and his eyes pinch close. He breathes massively. "I'm sorry." He chokes.

"What?" I ask, my stomach clenching tightly and my breath rapidly shaking.

"I kissed her."