(2) Self Harm, Depression & The Janoskians

Chapter 38

"She said nothing happened?" I said to Beau. Utterly confused as we left the café.

"I know," He shrugged. "I'm just as confused as you are."

"Really? Because you seem to know something I don't."

He shot me a look. "No, no I don't." His words rushed.

"Beau?"

"Yes?"

"If there was something, anything, you should tell me. You're supposed to be my closest friend."

"There is nothing." He quickly replied.

I sighed. "Can you drive me to the hospital, I think I'll go see Nora, I keep promising and never go."

Beau nodded as we approached the car, we jumped inside and drove all the way to the hospital and round the back to the part of the building the psychiatric wards were.

"Thanks," I said. "I'll see you later."

"I'm going home to get some more things? I'll be back to take you to the hotel. Text me when you're ready to be picked up. Do you need anything from the house?"

I was about to ask Beau to pick up my necklace that I once again removed out of anger and left in Luke's room, instead I shook my head. "No." He nod in reply.

I walked inside the building and the smell of plastic glove rubber and old people infused my senses. I reached the young persons ward and waited at a desk.

"Hello, how may I help."

"I'm here to see-" Just as I went to say her name a kicking and screaming girl was brought round the corner her face bleeding profusely and her long hair running over eyes.

"April?" She asked quickly as the workers tried to take her away somewhere. "Stop! Please!" She beg them. "I'll calm down, just let me have my visit." She plea and they looked at me, back at the woman at the desk then released her arms. "Thank you."

"Nora, if you want your visit, you'll have to go and take your meds and clean your face." The woman said.

"Can she come?"

I didn't turn back to see the woman's reply but when Nora grabbed my hand in hers I guessed it was a yes. "Thank you for visiting. I've had a bad day," She told me. "As you could tell."

I thought about saying so had I. But my problems aren't nearly as bad as hers at the moment. "It's fine, I needed to get out of the house."

We approached the med desk and she was given pills and water which she quickly drank, she then led me down the hall to a small bathroom, which then she removed two white pills from her mouth. She glared at me for a moment. "I don't need these," She said. "Honestly."

I didn't quite know how to respond. She obviously did need them, she just denied the fact she was ill. "They're thinking about not letting me go to therapy anymore." She said as she cleaned her face and disposed of the pills in the sink.

"Why not?"

"They're saying that I am too ill to leave the hospital," She slightly smiled for a reason which was unknown. "Which is total bullshit."

"But it won't be the same without you?"

"I know! I liven up the place."

"I'll miss you." I sigh as we walk to her bedroom in the hospital, she warned me they had people checking on us every ten minutes or so, to be safe I wasn't sneaking in any weapons or drugs etc.

"I'll miss you too," She frowned. "Would you miss me if I was dead?"

"Of course I would," I told her. "Don't get any ideas."

Her lips lightly upturned. "You'd miss me?"

I nod. "Yes."

Her smile carried on for a few more moments as she glared at me. "Sorry about my behaviour earlier."

"What happened?" I asked. Unsure if she wanted to reply to the question.

"Refusing to take my pills all day, I got upset and did this," She said pointing to her cut up and scarred face. "They tried restraining me as I was becoming angry and they were taking me down to the med till."

"Oh," I said. "You'll be out one day."

"I don't want to leave, but I do at the same time."

"Why wouldn't you want to leave?" I asked.

"The worlds a scary place April."

Luke's POV

"You know you really need to keep that girlfriend of yours in check," Alexa shouts down the phone. "I'm doing you a favour and what do I get in return? A psychopath shouting in my face!"

"She's not a psychopath." I said my anger boiling at her harsh words.

"So, assuming we kissed and screaming at me in the middle of a café is not psychotic? She should be the one keeping her head low! She was having breakfast with your brother!"

"She isn't assuming we kissed." I stated. "And they're friends."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I told her we kissed."

"Wow," She sighed. "Luke Brooks, never did I think you was so desperate to kiss me that you'd lie to your own girlfriend about kissing me." Her laugh was slightly sarcastic but I knew she was trying to take the piss.

"One, I do not want to kiss you. And two, I had to lie to save my own ass."

"You really didn't think this through do you?" Her small laugh still echoing through the line. "So your little secret plan, which we arranged, which is supposed to be some romantic shit for you two, now has been cut off because you apparently kissed me? How in the world is that saving your own ass?"

"Fuck," I exhaled. "Maybe I didn't think this through."

"You think." She sarcastically replied.

"She will still come with me do you think?"

"Have you not thought that when you tell her this was a lie and you was keeping a romantic secret from her, she might be the slightest bit fucked off that you used an excuse like that to cover up, which is obviously upsetting her."

But that was the thing, I knew this wasn't going to just hurt April, it was probably destroying her as we spoke. I was so stupid, what about if she self harms? Or try's to kill herself? Alexa didn't even know Aprils situation so I couldn't even ask for advice. But in all honestly I didn't like Alexa, I was merely using her to get something out of her for a surprise for April.

I hung up the phone without warning and called Beau, which rang a few times and went through to voicemail. I lay on my bed and sigh loudly.

I felt empty and cold, I just wanted April to spring through the doors and say that Beau had told her everything and she was no longer angry and all was forgotten. But for a twisted reason, I wanted the surprise, to still be a surprise. I didn't want April know whatsoever. But to give her the surprise I needed her to know the truth and love me.

I felt the urge to get up and force Beau to tell me where she was so I could go and sort this all out but she wouldn't listen, not yet. So all I could do was wait, wait for her to decide when she wants to see me. Which might not even come around.

I felt a burning and aching sensation in my body all around. The thing about my April Maiden is that I have a whole load of love for her and wouldn't ever intentionally hurt her. We have a bond that couldn't ever brake. A bond like Augustus and Hazel from the Fault In Our Stars. Their bond being like the first time Augustus told Hazel he was in love with her, he didn't seem nervous, he just said it. It flowed from his lips, that's when you know love is truly love, when someone can say something so massive so freely and comfortably. That's what I had with April, she was my Hazel and I was more than comfortable to spend the rest of my life with her. But now I felt like Hazel did when Augustus dies, full with dullness and emptiness. But the only difference with my situation was that April was not dead, but she was probably wishing she was.