(2) Self Harm, Depression & The Janoskians

Chapter 5

Aprils POV

I lay in bed feeling immensely sick, I had over done myself. Only a few cuts were on my wrists, but my thighs were scattered with them, they ached like hell and were so sore.

I cursed myself for letting it get out of hand, I was sitting with my legs hunched up against my chest as I watched my door. I was crying, I had no idea what had happened to me tonight, I was a mess.

My eyes never left the door, the dim glow from the lading lights shone through. I wished that Luke would walk through right now, he'd push that door open and smile at me, I'd grin back. He'd sit with me and hug me, his smell would linger on my bed sheets again. His smell, something I missed. The smell of his cologne and skin would mark everything, my sheets, my pillows, my clothes and even my body.

I didn't let Lindsay clean my sheets for a matter of weeks after he'd gone because it would smell of him and I helped me cope and sleep. But while I was out one day she washed them, then from then on this happened.

My palms became clammy and my throat dry as I just stared at the door. I was waiting for something, anything to happen.

But it never did, all the nights I did this, nothing ever happens.

He doesn't open my door, he doesn't smile and I don't grin back. He doesn't sit with me, he doesn't hug me, his smell no longer lingers on my sheets, pillows, clothes or my body.

All that happens it my heart aches, my body shakes and my body continues to suffer.

Thoughts raced back into my mind, thoughts I shouldn't be having. Nobody truly cares about me because if they did surely they wouldn't hurt or leave me.

Parents who were supposed to love me, beat me and locked me away, neglected for years of trying to be perfect because of the fear they gave me, that stupid, fat, red face kept appearing in my mind. His toothy grin, smiling devilishly at me.

I hated a lot of things but nothing could compare to him and well, now my mum too.

I hated my body and how I had ruined it, how maybe this time I had over done it and got a slight bit too far. Luke would be furious with me if he could see me, I'd probably break down further if he had seen me now.

But then again, I was a total fuck up anyway, I make everything go wrong, my phone was vibrating beside me and I ignored it, I didn't look who was calling and I didn't even bother moving, my eyelids grew heaver and heaver and I couldn't help but need to sleep.

• • • •

Luke's POV

A slightly uneasy feeling set in my stomach as April didn't pick up the phone, I sighed and hung up.

I ran thoughts across my head on what she may be doing, she couldn't be working, maybe she was out with someone, but who?

I shook my head and grunted, I called the one person who may know, Lindsay.

"Hello?" Her voice piped.

"Lindsay, it's Luke-"

"Oh Luke! Hello, how are you? We are all missing you- oh how's America?"

"Lindsay- listen, please... Where's April?" I cut her off.

"Well... She's up in her room, why?"

"I need you to check on her, now."

She stuttered, "Oh- I, alright, alright."

I heard Lindsay stand up and start walking, I listened intently to the background noises and not the sound of Lindsay's breathing down the phone.