I can feel myself trying to push them all away, and attempting to build my walls up. But at the same time I'm trying to hold on for dear life because I can't fathom the thought of being more alone than right now. I can't see a way to do both, and looking at my past experiences, I'll push them away and make myself suffer because I feel I deserve that.
I don't deserve happiness or companionship. And people can tell me I do, but it doesn't make me change my feelings and thoughts. I know what I'm worth, or better yet, what I'm not worth. What I'm not allowed to enjoy. I deserve the worst from everyone, because I can't fix myself. And I won't let others help. Because I'm not even worthy of that. Of help.
So as much as I try to fight to keep them close, they'll either leave, or I'll do what I always do.
Push them away.
