Trust isn't something that comes easily for most people, and I am one of them. But when I finally let someone break down those walls and trust them, I spill everything. And most of the time that's too much for people to handle. I don't ever mean to do that to them, to overload their brains with sadness and to make them either wonder if I want pity, which is never the case as I tend to keep things to myself that are sorrowful just for that reason, I hate the look in their eyes when they realize I am nothing more than a broken doll, just as they thought, or they get angry because they think I am telling them this so they can fix it, when they never could. I spent four years explaining my day to anyone who asked with one word,"fine". I was always fine. Never good, or great, or had stories to tell. Because the stories they were expecting to hear were who I was partnered with, and if I made any friends that day, or if I fixed my grades. But the stories they would've heard were the ones of little old friendless bullied MacKenzi. The girl who skipped lunch everyday for two and a half years and hid in the bathroom and cried as often as possible. And that wasn't who I wanted to be. I wanted to the princess who was saved and the girl who Kicked ass while fighting four guys on twice her size all at once because those were the books I would read. I would be someone else as much and for as long as possible. I didn't want to be a failure or a screw up. I wanted to feel loved for my flaws and proud of who I was. And I struggled the longest time opening up to anyone because of the main reason, which was the possibility of being judged. I couldn't trust anyone to not be judgemental. So I relied on the one person who never let me down at that time; myself. I could trust myself only at times, which seemed sad then but now, now I know it shaped me. And I think I am turning out to be a good person. And maybe I can only trust myself completely at times, but at least I know I am reliable, and strong.
