She said I would never be alone.
She said I wouldn't have to face this by myself.
She said she was here for me.
But where is she when it's midnight and I'm so broken I can barely breathe?
She's not here, and not knowing.
Maybe that's for the best.
She needs to party and live her life and not worry about me constantly.
Sure, maybe one of these nights will be my last, but at least she won't worry until then.
She won't know until the morning after, when she wakes up with a headache and no recollection of the night before.
She will message me and get no response.
She will assume I'm sleeping or busy.
She won't know until she gets a call with my mom on the other line, trying to find a way to tell her I'm gone.
She will know that I'm finally happy.
And she will be sad, and hurt, and broken for awhile.
But she will slowly move on and find someone worthy of being her best friend.
Someone worthy of holding her arm during scary movies.
Someone worthy of laying on her lap because that's the most comfortable spot in the house.
Someone who can smile at her without wanting to cry.
Someone who is better than I am.
Maybe I deserve to be alone, because why should I ask for company when I plan on leaving them all alone, even though they'll have each other.
So I'll continue to curl into a ball and cry until my eyes are so swollen I can barely see.
I'll message her back while she's drunk like everythings fine.
I'll act like I'm happy once more, and be alone for a hell of a night.
