I'm stuck in this never ending cycle of hatred.
Hatred of doctors
Hatred of family
Hatred of feelings
Hatred for life
Hatred for myself
I never used to have this much hate and anger coursing through my body. But I can't feel anything else right now. All I see are ways out of this, and none are acceptable. It would completely disrupt others, and I couldn't do that to them.
So instead I'll just find other ways to get the anger out.
Through blood
Through starvation
Because no one will notice when I haven't eaten for a week, only I will know. And then maybe I'll feel good about myself, good enough to push a little bit of anger out of my life.
And no one will notice when I have scars because no one sees that much of me. And no one will notice when I cross my legs how I wince slightly, or have to push on my leg to make sure I'm not bleeding again. No one will notice, and in the long run, maybe that's a great thing.
Because maybe if I do enough to myself, I'll die on the inside completely, and then I wouldn't care about the outside.
I wouldn't be suffocating anymore.
I'd be free.
