I finally handled it.
I took care of it.
I saw her today. Not Hannah. But her best friend.
I took a step into the doorway to put the bag down. She asked if i wanted hannah to call me.
Obviously i said no. I cant deal with that. Watching my little girl bawl for ten minutes over a picture of her, and crying as i put it all together, And me crying right now, i cant handle that.
She made it obvious how she wanted this to be. Im just respecting that.
I think im finally healing about it. I mean drinking on school nights and partying too much in general isnt a healthy way to cope, but i had nothing else. I needed out of my thoughts. Most of them looped back to her. Because thats how much i love her. I changed alot about me for her. She didnt like my make up all done up so i did barely any if any at all most of the time. She didnt like me wearing hats so i never did. I stopped wearing my hair a certain way because it reminded her of kara and she didnt like it. I changed all of that and more because i wanted to be enough. I wanted her to stay so i changed myself so she wouldn't have a reason to look elsewhere. I wanted to be a better person for her.
That didn't happen.
It was always" is she gonna like this? I need to shut up Im annoying her. Take the make up off, she wont like it. Don't do this, or that", going through my head. It still does sometimes. I tried to be what she wanted. I wasnt. Im not. So I'll deal with that and after a night or two ill stop crying over the picture as i look at it and ill be okay. Because all Thats left is the picture. And i couldnt give it back. I couldnt.
