Its been a long time since I've written on here. Its been a long time since I've expressed my feelings. Its also been a long time without any relief.
Relief from the pain, the pressure, the stress and worry.
But most of all its been too long without relief from this.
This toxic environment where nothing is joyful, pleasant or safe and there are no places to breathe in any fresh air that hasn't been tainted with disappointment, anger or loneliness.
I can't even find a decent childhood memory past the age of eight years old. That's about when my father came back for the last time, and was a different man. That's when the man who returned wasn't a father figure anymore, but just a person raking up the body count of people in the house. And that's about when my mother truly fell apart. She was already in and out of being present, mind you she was never truly absent, just clocked out for day or weeks at a time leaving me and my sister to handle everything at those points in time with her just in bed. But when my father came home she just disappeared mentally for awhile. She fell apart and an almost stranger came home in place of my father. The man who would pull my loose teeth and would pick me up and spin me around when Id see him. He never did that again when he came back the last time. It was never an elongated hug, but a short, stiff one. They weren't automatically stiff, they just gradually became nonexistent. For some reason I've never stopped trying to hug him.
I think I'm just hoping that it will magically be as it was before where i was engulfed in joyfulness and pride when i would be with my father. I was the kid who would run down the halls in school to him when he would pick me up.
And I'll never be that kid again. I keep people away from him solely because they'll never believe me once they see how well he acts. He can out on quite the show of the loving, attentive dad. But mind you, its all such a magnificent act of jokes and pleasant talk to blind you from the small insults he cant help but throw at me whilst having company because he would never be so open about it in front of company, yet he can't help himself. You'll all find it to be fun and games and just jokes. But I know the look in his eyes and his eyes and words don't match with the sincerity of it all. They never have. So i do my best to keep people I care about away, as its best to not have to laugh at insults all night as a way to keep things light and joyful. And its honestly a good idea to keep them away from possibly of seeing how he is when the mask is torn away. No one would come back. And I wouldn't blame them.
Its been a long time since this started.
And its been too long of a span of time that I've had some peace, and that's all i need. I need to be safe and happy, and i need to be at peace.
